A baby without a birth story

“Sometimes the story that is written is done so by no one other than you.”

Almost everyone one you know can retell a story about their birth, or a moment that occurred shortly thereafter.  Of course these individuals have no true recollection of that memory, but it has been etched into their mind as a result of hearing the story time and time again. 

At the age of twelve, eighteen, twenty-five and twenty-seven, I asked about the details of my story.  But the answers never came.  Of course I have a birth story, but I have never heard it.  I don’t know what it was like for my birth mother to carry not one, but two 7lb babies to term.  I don’t know how the day of our birth began or who was there by her side.  All I know is that I was born first of a set of twins, with Michelle arriving shortly after my entrance into the world.

The story I really wanted to hear was what led me into a life of foster-care and crown-wardship.  Each time I asked all I ever heard was silence.  The closest I ever came to an answer was at the age of twenty-seven.  This time I was in pursuit of answers and  I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way.  I was very specific this time around.  I asked to see the documents related to the court proceedings that led the decision of my becoming a crown-ward at four years old. 

At that time I had been in contact with a half-brother (whom I have never met) via Facebook.  That Facebook connection led me in the direction of my birth father.  I attempted to get information about my beginning from him, but again those attempts failed.  Despite my insistence and determination I stood again in the moment of not-knowing. Access into my own story, was once again denied.

So, amidst my numerous attempts at becoming informed of my circumstances early in life, I took on the responsibility of creating my own story.  That story does not begin at the moment of my birth, nor the nine months previous, or the years earlier when my birth parents met and their life together began. 

I realise that I may never get the answers that I want, nor will I get the answers that I deserve.  But, I am still deeply rooted in my foundation of self because despite what isn’t there, what will never be there I am still someone.  I was never a daughter.  But I am a sister.  I will be a wife and one day I will be a mother.

 

One Day

A message to the little girl who doubts herself, the woman who demands more of herself and one day – the woman who believes in herself.

One day, you will see the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.  You are already getting so close.  One day you will overpower the doubt that has set up camp inside your head.  One day you will live, love and feel and be utterly transformed.  One day you will find yourself without the hurt and shame.  You will have worked through the stuff that keeps you stuck and let go of all the crap you’ve forced yourself to carry, which belongs to someone else.  One day you will live in the world you created, it will be caring and just and wonderful.  That world will also be scary and unknown, but every moment will be worth it.  One day you will stand up for your rights and believe that you deserve the very best.  One day you will allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love.  One day you will finally trust yourself enough to put your need in the hands of another person and they will take care of your heart.   In time you will share your story and your strength will be admired.  Today, you will continue to take steps toward one day.  Know that you were loved, are loved, and most certainly will be loved.

Saying yes to FOREVER!

“Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.”

Recently, I said yes to the man I love, the man who has travelled many roads by my side.  In our life together thus far, we have grown into ourselves, into each other.  As we begin to plan a wedding celebration of our love, I know this marriage will be different than the fairy tale every little girl imagines for herself.

As I walk toward John to become his wife, I won’t be guided by a father.  But, I won’t be walking alone.  My twin sister will take my hand in hers and take those steps with me.  This won’t be our first walk together, as we have shared many journeys hand in hand.  Michelle is the one other person before John with whom I entrusted with my deepest pain and my greatest joy.  Five months from now, Michelle will officially share that with John as he pledges to continue to love me with abandon and without conditions as we learn and lead each other throughout our life together.

There won’t be a mother of the bride, but there will be six beautiful women standing next to me.  Each of those women have at many different times held my hand when I was lost, wiped a tear when I was sad, laughed when I was joyful and supported me along my journey.  These women are not described just as friends, they have become my family.  So, despite the things that won’t be there on my wedding day, the things that I hold dear will be; my friends, my family and the man that I love with my whole heart.
The greatest excitement that I hold for that day is the moment in which John and I will express our deepest love for each other in the presence of our beautiful family.  I don’t know what it will feel like to see him walking toward me as I take steps toward him on that crisp afternoon but I imagine there will be tears.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve years since we first walked toward one another.  I look forward to many steps toward each other and along-side each other after we promise FOREVER.

Is life about the promise of tomorrow or the intention of today?

"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."

Not that long ago I held on fast to the belief, that if I worked hard enough and focused all of my energy on what I wanted in my future, it would eventually come true for me.  But along the way, things had taken place that were not part of the plan I had created for myself.  It seemed that the faster I chased my dream, the further it got away from me.

Then came a time when I stopped for a moment and looked around.  I was lost.  I suddenly realised that in all the time I had spent chasing something, I had begun to lose the centre of it all – my sense of self.  In that moment of appraisal I began to consider the route toward my destiny.  I began to wonder if the preparing, worrying and setting things up for tomorrow was actually preventing the creation of my future.

Today as I stand back and reflect, I am amazed.  Many years ago I had altered the route I was travelling.  As it turns out, the road I have travelled since then has been filled with lessons, losses, beauty, fear, friendship and love.  All greater experiences than I had imagined for myself.

Consider yourself for a moment.  Rather than constantly evaluating, allow yourself the abandon to let go of the desire to have your tomorrow as you planned and live in your intention for today.

Life happens between the moments you planned and the ones you didn't...

“Life was what happened when all the what-if’s didn’t, when what you dreamed or hoped or – in this case – feared might come to pass, passed by instead. ”  - Jodi Picoult

I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  So many moments have occurred in my life; moments that have led me in the direction that I was going and other moments that set me off on an entirely new path.  Looking back, I have noticed something.  It seems that the moments that led me in a different direction than I had planned were pretty remarkable ones.  Some of the moments were difficult and emotionally draining experiences but my evolution of self as a result is remarkable. 

2007 was a year that my whole world turned on its axis.  The person that I was becoming was interrupted and almost forsaken.  I made mistakes, I hurt people and in the end I was stronger, smarter and more insightful.  Those moments enabled me to stand up for my desires and wants and I learned to love myself for who I was, which enabled love to flourish around me.  Finally, I had shed the little-girl armour that had prevented me from letting others in.  I unlocked my voice and more importantly I believed in that voice. 

In 2011 again my world shifted, this time was different.  I was scared, absolutely terrified by the thought of losing the most incredible, loving man I have ever known.  For a woman who grew up being left behind by so many people these moments were both trying and difficult.  This journey in sickness and health became a life lesson for me.  I was reminded that nothing is as important as health, love and letting go.  That early morning in February was the beginning of a series of events that lead to multi-faceted growth within my foundation of self.  That morning woke up the woman inside me who had the desire to live a true life.  In living true, I believe life is about living in the moment, about being really present and living up to the only expectations that matter- your own, and only the realistic ones. 

It became my mission to solidify my foundation of self so that in any future times of trouble or distress my sense of being wouldn’t falter.  I wanted to know what I needed in order to cope, what I needed to do to take care of myself before taking on the needs of another.  In this foundation building my greatest achievement was allowing myself to put my needs ahead of all others.  I learned that doing so is not selfish, but necessary.  Letting go became the ticket to putting myself first.  I became more invested in my own needs and gave little power to the needs and expectations that existed outside of my own.

Life has taught me that the life we plan isn’t always the life we are meant to live and that’s ok.  Life is about loving the moments and sharing the love in those moments with the people around you that really matter.

Authenticity – The centre of your universe!

“There’s always going to be bad stuff out there.  But, here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness every time.” – Jodi Picoult

Recently a series of events left me questioning my role and had me wavering in doubt of my ability to cope.  I was not sure if I could maintain the strength of the person I had become with the values and morals I had built into my foundation of self.  How could I still be that person and know that things that I believed to be unfair, wrong and unjust were happening around me.  How could I just stand by and not be overcome?  I thought that in order to cope I would have to separate and alter my ego in order to remove myself of the responsibility. 

There are incidents that have occurred in my past which caused me to pick up and carry on.  In order to carry on, at times I had to put on a brave face.  In that pick-up and carry-on way of doing things, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  It felt like I was altering my sense of self, even just a little in order to manage.  In the past few years, I have worked very hard to revolutionize my authenticity.  We all want to be who we are, in every moment no matter the circumstance.  If that is true, why do we find ourselves forcing a smile onto our face and pressuring on.  What’s the shame in saying; no it’s too much, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me?  It is not wrong to stand up and say no, but it is hard.  It is also not wrong to pick-up and carry-on.  And it doesn’t mean you are any less or an alternative version of yourself.

I believe that to be authentic it is to be true to my feelings as well as my expectations.  In the past months I have realised how to strengthen the integrity of my foundation and to remain whole in my existence amongst the good and the bad.  I have realized that I am not responsible for the doings of others.  Just because I have seen actions and behaviours that I would not do myself does not mean that I sanction those behaviours.  Even in the moments or circumstance of wrongdoing the only power I have is to continue to be righteous in my foundation of self.  I cannot control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of another.

So, my new way of being is about being who I desire to be in each and every moment and never requiring myself to alter my foundation of self as a means of coping.  Authenticity is knowing where you end and another begins.  It’s the awareness of self in relation to the needs, wants, desires and expectations of others.  It’s about believing in your judgement and understanding that which occurs outside of self needn’t become who you are.

 

The Secrets that bind us...

“No matter what you do in your life, what you create, what career you have, whether you have a family or make lots of money; your greatest creation is always going to be your life’s story” – Jonathan Harris

We all have a story, for some it’s stored in a box on a shelf, neatly organized among the other parts of our history.  For others it’s buried deep beneath everything else, rarely looked at.  But for some that story becomes a secret, its memory and pure existence hidden from most of the people in our life.  Sometimes the shame attached to that story gives us the reason to deny the reality of it ever happening.  So, we begin by doing little things to ignore it or refuse it.  Sadly we sometimes lose sight of its power to motivate or strengthen us.

The beauty of that story or secret is that despite our belief of being alone in its experience we are not.  Someone somewhere has travelled a similar road or shared a comparable sadness.  I believe that secrets are deeply rooted in our foundation of self.  Sometimes they break us down, but more often, they build us up. 

The beautiful thing of humanity is that we are born into a community of similar beings.  We were never meant to live alone, nor should we struggle alone.  To be human is to share with another the story of ourselves, even the secrets, especially the secrets.  These stories speak to our ability to feel, to our limitless existence, and our ability to persevere in the face of adversity. 

There is a true strength and an admirable notion to the person who shares each part of self, even the parts that are tarnished, bruised or broken.  Because the beauty of humanity isn’t about being perfect it’s about being honest to your experience.

Attachment - the deepest roots in the foundation of self...

"Children need at least one person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally."  - Pam Leo

Recently, I listened to a child psychologist speak about attachment, specifically in children.  He expressed that those little ones who didn’t get the opportunity to build strong connections to an adult caregiver, were more often than not doomed.  In other words, their likelihood to survive was limited and their life was sure to be marked with maladaptive behaviour, pain and more often than not mental illness.  As I looked around the room at the pediatric residents, I realized that I was an outlier.  For one, I was the only social worker in the room but more remarkably, I was one of those children the psychologist had described as doomed. 

Attachment is core to our human existence.  It’s the power that unites each one of us with at least one other person from the moment we are born.  A secure attachment requires a caregiver who meets the needs of an infant as it evolves into a toddler, into a child, into an adolescent and throughout the life of an adult.  I believe that attachment is deeply rooted in the foundation of self.  If a child learns early on that his cries in expression of a need are not met by the comfort and caring of an adult caregiver, he soon learns that the world is a scary place where he is alone.  However, if a child’s cries are met with the love and support of a caregiver, he learns that the world is safe and he gradually seeks to meet his own needs in time.

As a baby my sister and I would cry out and more often than not, our needs were not met by the adult in the room.  But, a powerful secure attachment between two tiny babies was created.  I believe it is that secure attachment that lead to not only our survival but our ability to excel as our lives evolved from a scared, innocent child into an aware, experienced adult. 

Attachment isn’t just about meeting the needs of a screaming child.  It’s really about the foundation of self that is created in those moments of need, leaving the child with the belief that he matters and that he is loved.  Even as an adult, we continue to have the deep desire to know we are loved and that we matter.  In the search for continued reassurance of that, we seek out an attachment that keeps us deeply rooted in our foundation of self.

Awareness of self comes with age

 “Growing up isn’t about getting older, it’s about becoming someone.”

Last year at this time I was nearing my thirtieth birthday and was dreading it.   I kept thinking that despite the experiences I have had in my life I didn’t feel like I was thirty, and really, I didn’t want to be.  I guess it felt like this was the point of no return.  I would no longer be considered a young adult and the likelihood of being mistaken for a twenty-something would become rare.  So, on my thirtieth I announced that I was in fact turning twenty-five forever. 

But, now as the end of my thirtieth year approaches the desire to be twenty-five again is disappearing and being replaced with the honest-to-goodness reality, that I am no longer a young woman.  I am an adult, a beautiful woman who not only appreciates my experience but also the years I have lived on this earth.  I am learning to embrace the emerging grey hairs and the reality that as I age my body will change.  I am more grounded and self-aware than I ever could have been at twenty or twenty-five.  In my thirties I have learned about what I need to take care of myself and that it’s ok to take a break from my own expectations.  I have learned that love really is central to everything and so is healthy communication for that matter.  I have realised that having a spotless house doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  And no matter how hard I try to create change in someone else, the only change I really have power with is myself.  I have learned that the world is filled with both good and bad and in both instances I have an amazing group of friends, so close they are family to share it with.  The most refreshing thing learned in my thirties is to let go and just be, truly in the moment.

 I am still not exactly sure what I feared or dreaded when my biological clock flipped to thirty.  I imagine the dread might have had to do with thirty being the year I had previously created deadlines for myself.  At a much younger age, I had imagined myself to be married with children by the time I was thirty.  Now, as my life continues to move forward and I become another year older.  My hopes of marriage and baby haven’t disappeared in fact those hopes have evolved.  Now, I may not have a ring on my left ring finger or a baby at my breast.   But I have become a self who will succeed in both of those instances, more so than I imagine I might have at twenty or thirty.  So, turning thirty wasn’t so bad and turning thirty-one will be pretty great too as I continue to learn and grow into the beautiful woman who doesn’t just age but evolves year after year.

The Foundation of Family

"Wherever there is lasting love, there is a family."

Family isn’t just about who’s related and who isn’t.   Family is about love, support and acceptance.  It’s about taking care of one another and being strong when times are tough. Family is the foundation of our lives.  It is what we are born into and it is also what we create.  Family is there for the good and bad times, the struggles and the triumphs.  At the end of the day, family is often there when everything else falls away.

At various points in my life I have redefined my version of family which as a result has deepened the roots and overall integrity of my foundation.  For me, family is a multi-dimensional system, mainly one in which I have created.  Despite the lack or perhaps because of my limited birth family I have placed a great deal of importance on family.  I believe that as I have grown and matured my understanding of family flourished into a beautiful web of care and love grown out of intimate moments and friendship.   In the past year when John was sick our world shifted and I was lost.  But luckily with my family I was found.  And for that I am forever grateful.  Their strength, persistence and support not only helped our little family but it allowed me to evolve as an individual.  In the moments when I could ask for help they were there and more importantly, in the moments when the words to describe my needs couldn’t pass my lips they were there just the same.  Johns Mom, Dad and Step-mom were amazing as they were there in the moments of crisis and made our house not seem so big and empty while John stayed at the hospital for weeks.  Our neighbors walked and fed our dog, plowed our driveway and cut our lawn.  John’s coworkers sent flowers, movies and magazines to help us pass the time.  My work also sent flowers and a wonderful care package filled with all things necessary and useful while in hospital.  They also provided a great amount of food, which was very important for me at the beginning.   There were many friends who called, wrote and send positive thoughts our way.  Some friends came to visit after we had left the hospital and some brought us groceries for months.  In those months when life was a little too much and a bit overwhelming all of the important people who care were there and that is the true definition of family.

Be-coming a Mother...

“She was all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't.  Her hand, it fit mine.” – Jodi Picoult

I don’t currently have children, but one day I will.  In fact, I have never imagined a future where children don’t exist.  Being a mom isn’t something I aspire to be; it is something I am becoming.   When most little girls were pretending to play house with dolls, I was mothering my younger twin sister.

I cannot describe what it feels like to be held in a loving mother’s arms, but I hope at one point in my life I was and that I felt love.  I do know how it feels to reach out and grasp a small hand just like mine and to hear the little whispered I love you in our darkened bedroom.  The sad and wonderful thing is that as I grew, my understanding of love came only from the connection that was between just two little girls.  It’s hard to imagine, but I have no memories of any of those moments where I was held and loved by a parent.  While I had caregivers and people who loved me, I have no idea what it means to have a mom and/or a dad.  I never had the opportunity to crawl into my parent’s bed to be comforted during a storm, or snuggled after a scary dream.   So instead of building a relationship with non-existent parents, the connection between Michelle and I grew with each moment shared by holding hands and loving each other unconditionally.

In my attempt to create a world for future children, I have one purpose; to ensure that no child that ever enters our lives will question or doubt that they are loved.  So, with that purpose I have learned to communicate and fight fairly, so that children will see that despite becoming upset with one another, John and I still love each other; I have learned to take care of myself by making time for things that I enjoy; I have learned to appreciate and understand the strengths of the man standing next to me and most recently I have begun learning to let go, something I imagine every parent needs to do.

When John and I started looking to buy a house I was picturing our children in it.  In fact, one house we looked at numerous times before finally putting in an offer had almost everything on our wish-list.  But, I remember saying to John each time we looked at it that I was worried about the location of the stairs as I could see our children chasing each other or the dog and the thought of them falling frightened me.  While John may have told me not to worry about children we didn’t have yet, he was imagining himself and a son or two kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard.  Because the positioning of the stairs could be fixed and the yard was determined big enough to play soccer, we bought the house.

And one day this house will be filled with a child or two.  Children that we will love, cuddle and whisper I love you in the dark and in those moments we will create for them memories of pure unconditional love.

Expectations...the only ones you are required to live by, are your own.

“Expectations, they are all around us, they come from others, our environment and most of the time from ourselves.”

At the age of 19 it came time for me to leave the place that had been my version of home in search of a new place, and so I went far.  I travelled hundreds of kms away from the one person in the entire world I never wanted to leave.  Almost as much as I didn’t want to leave Michelle, I knew I couldn’t stay.  I needed another opportunity.  So, at a small university in a small northern town I set off on a journey with no connections to anyone.  Being alone gave me the chance to become my own version of self.   There was no one there who assumed to know who I was based on someone else’s story.  For once, it was my turn to write, and the next stories would be mine to tell.

This chance, this escape, was kind of like being reborn again with no expectations but more importantly with no judgements.  The self I presented to others didn’t get clouded by any part of my history that I didn’t want to be there.  As I travelled my journey in northern Ontario and into the rest of my life, I realised something.   While I had successfully left the physical beings that put me down and doubted my ability to achieve in my past, bits of their negativity had made its way into my future.  Some of what they had said had made their way into my head and I had translated them into my own inner voice. 

I lived with those voices for a long time.  Sometimes they told me that I wasn’t good enough, or laughed at me, and sometimes they screamed mean things that made me cry.  But no matter how loud the voices or the consistency of their message, my will was stronger and I believed in something else.  I believed that not only could I prove the voices wrong, but I could rid myself of them for good.

Ridding myself of the negative inner-critique wasn’t easy and at times there are moments still when I hear their faint whisper of doubt.  My will to out-speak the voices in my head was powerful, but it required me to not only to view myself in another way, but to also speak differently to myself.  So, I chose to internalise the kindness I gave to the world.  I was committed to caring for my spirit, my integrity and my inner beauty before giving anything up.

As I move through the years and the experiences in my life, I have built up an awareness of my inner self-talk, now I know which words are mine and which messages of doubt are someone else’s.  It is often said that awareness of a problem is always the first step.  I believe that awareness is the only step preventing me from caring for self or not.

Stop striving for good enough, you’re better than that…

“It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.”

What does it take to know you’re good enough?  Is it power, inner strength, determination or resilience?  Is it something you have to be told or was someone able to instil in you, the belief that you count, that you matter and that you are more than good enough?  Sometimes it only takes one person to tell you that you are special.  For some, it’s an entire village filled with caring and considerate people that show them, good-enough is something each of us deserve.  But, sadly for some, it’s no one.

Growing up I had a hunch that I had something to prove.  I lived under a veil of expectations that failure was likely.  My intention was never to be the best, I just wanted to succeed.  I believed that if I could prove everyone else wrong about their assumptions of me, then and only then would I feel like I was worth something.  When I think back and recall the 12-year-old version of myself, I wish there were things she knew about herself.  I also wish that the building blocks of her foundation of self never included doubt from others; that she then internalized into her own version of self-doubt.  If given the opportunity, I would tell her that despite the struggles and pain she might face, she has the ability to see the opportunity in every experience.  I would share with her the reality that her determination will eventually pay off.  I would show her, despite her disbelief, how beautiful she is, and I would tell her that within her she has the power to instil in others, the belief that they matter.

As an adult, I have seen sadness in the hearts and minds of many.  In my job I work with homeless men.  Some of them are consumed by mental illness or addiction and too many others are lost in the despair of their depression.  They often struggle with the baggage of self-doubt and a belief that things likely won’t get better.   And if by some chance something good does happen they believe they don’t deserve the opportunity.   But despite the doubt, I believe and so do many of my coworkers.  As a result, opportunities arise and the men once plagued with loss and despair grow and begin to believe; believe that the world isn’t so bad and that they deserve the second chances. 

I have also had the opportunity to see the beauty that exists alongside the sadness, as some of the newest children of the world are being raised to believe in themselves.  These children are not just told that they are beautiful and deserve to be cared for.  More importantly, they are shown how much they matter.  Some little girls get flowers after a big event, as a little surprise or for no reason at all.  And some little boys are cuddled as their mom wipes away the tears caused by a recent fall.  My hope is that all the little girls and boys of the future never wonder if they will ever be pretty enough or smart enough and that they never question if and when they will ever be good enough…

Creation of Self for Self

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

In creating self and building relationships I was misled by the belief that another person could fill the voids left by my need for belonging; belonging to something, to someone.  I thought that unconditional love by another would be the way in which to meet all of my needs. 

But building a partnership with another person isn’t about filling a void.  Not until my foundation of self was built up beyond a level of giving myself to others could I become part of it, part of anything.  Being in love or building a life with someone else really only happens once you have created the ability in your own foundation of self to meet your own needs.  I had spent much of my life in search of some person, to fill in the parts of self that could make me whole.   

It’s crazy to think that someone who had such difficulty trusting others would put herself in a position to have her needs met by someone else.  The reality of it is, perhaps on some level I knew that it wasn’t possible.  Instead, I lost myself in others.  But once I became aware of my need to belong, to be loved by someone else, I realised I had to do things for myself first. Only then I could start building up the parts of my foundation that could connect or become part of another person’s foundation.  The trouble was this took years for me to understand. Historically, I had sought refuge in relationship after relationship, but I was still lost and too much of my sense of self was still empty. 

It is easy to imagine that building up the foundation of another person, has the power to limit and compromise the integrity of one’s own foundation.  But it has a way of tricking you into believing that it feels good to be taken care of by someone else, even if it means your needs are not your own.

 In contrast, by building up my own foundation of self I was able to gain the understanding and necessary awareness of where I begin and where I might begin to become part of something else, part of someone else’s life – a partnership.  Once I realised that my search for love and happiness outside of self was unattainable I began the difficult journey of searching and creating those blocks within my own foundation.

I now had the understanding that the failure of maintaining my own foundation had compromised my own sense of self.  Never again would I find myself at the end of anything without a map of finding love and happiness within my own heart and soul.

Saying goodbye...

"Sometimes saying goodbye is giving yourself permission to move away from the self people think you are to the person you believe yourself to be."

            Rarely do you ever cross my mind.  It took a long time to let you go…As a child I wished and prayed for you often.  I wanted to see your face and to hear your voice.  I begged God to make you present in my life.  Finally, he succumbed to my wanting desire and you were there the day I came to meet you.  When I walked into the room I didn’t know which face was yours.  I had no recollection of you; all those memories had been washed away by the hands of my mind.

             But, there you were looking nothing like me.  I was scared.  I had so much to say, so much to ask.  I didn’t know which to do first.  So, I didn’t speak, but I opened myself up and absorbed every detail of that day.

            We began to spend more and more time together but I was still so far from knowing you.  So many years had passed, maybe too many.  Instead of being someone I didn’t know, you became someone I still didn’t know.  Life didn’t change much after you presented yourself to me.  In fact you replaced no one as I expected you might.  Instead you became the upset part of my life.  You left me feeling more lost than before I met you.

            One day I woke up and realized that I didn’t need you.  All the people I loved and those who loved me were still around and doing a better job than you ever tried to.  It saddens me to say this, but it is my truth.  My life functions well without you.  You are not the missing link I was looking for; it was here beside me all along.

           Perhaps if you had made different choices I wouldn’t have to say this, but that is not the case…Goodbye

This piece above I wrote in 2001 several years after ending visitation with my birth mother.

Growing up without the reality of a parent altered the person I became.  The care givers in my life were persons in the business of providing temporary care to children; foster parents.  But for one reason or another Michelle and I were raised for 17 years by temporary parents.  I know not what it means to have a mother or a father.  I do know what it feels like as a child in grade five trying to explain to her teacher why she can’t complete her family tree assignment.  I know what it feels like to be bullied and tormented because of the setting in which I was raised.  I don’t know what it’s like to call home mid-semester in first year of university to ask for $50 for groceries.  Sadly, I know that I am not alone in my experience.

When a child reaches a certain age, he/she/they begin preparing themselves for their understanding of self.  This journey is often travelled through asking a series of questions.  Where did I come from?  Where do I want to go?  Who am I?   I never expected the journey to be easy, but I also never imagined that at the age of 30, some of those questions would still not be answered.  They might never be answered and that reality became part of my foundation of self.  It enabled me to permit myself to become without a definitive history of who I was. 

It doesn’t matter if I am Scottish or Irish.  It doesn’t matter if my birth parents loved me or not.  It does matter that I am here, that I didn’t just survive but that I was resilient.  It matters that despite the sadness that has found its way into my life; I can see beyond it and be confident that it doesn’t define me.  It matters that I care about my needs and the needs of others in a way that embodies love and empathy. I have learned that we are not creations of the past defined by others.  Instead we are an evolution of a being that is always becoming.

What creates a foundation?

         “The future is not some place we are going but one we create. The paths are not found but made and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination.”

So what’s this blog about anyways???  Well it’s a reflection on a life that is currently being lived by me.  It came out of an experience that left me wondering what the heck happened to my control. 

When John suddenly became sick our world shifted and I lost my footing.  No matter who we are, there are moments that occur in our life that alter the world in which we live.  As a means of taking control and using it in a healthy way I decided to reflect and create.  I wanted to begin to prepare a foundation of self that could withstand anything that might happen and thus alter the course of my life.  I realize this foundation will not prevent things from happening, but it will provide me with a sense of self that will continue to go on.

After my recent experience with a significant change I saw it as means of creating a new normal.  When something significant happens (baby, sickness, job loss or gain, death of someone significant…I could go on forever, but you get the idea) and things start to settle down, they never go back to how they were.  Something new is created, and in the midst of it all we are provided with an opportunity to grow.

Part of what came out of my new normal was the realization that I wanted to spend some time discovering what really defines who I am.  Essentially I wanted to consider what parts of me exist after a life-altering event?  What do I need in order to nurture my sense of self in order to continue on?  I also wanted to consider what I might have to give up in order to be happy and or grow?

 

In essence, I renewed my hope and desire in creating a foundation of self that would protect the integrity of my being, my soul, my sense of self that allowed me to believe, dream and function in a world that is filled with good and bad, positive and negative, loss and gains, pain and forgiveness.  My foundation of self is about allowing myself the opportunity to create an environment that meets my needs for survival.  I learned again that my needs do not have to be given up in order to develop or maintain the needs of someone else.  Basically I was reminded that I deserve the property and tools necessary in creating a foundation of self.

Love = Greatness...

“But love wasn’t about sacrifice, and it wasn’t about falling short of someone’s expectations.  By definition, love made you better than good enough; it redefined perfection to include your traits, instead of excluding them.” – Jodi Picoult

In celebration of all of the other days before and after Valentine’s Day, I am writing this blog entry.  Love is an extraordinary feeling, so powerful it has the ability to transform your sense of self.  Love doesn’t deserve one day to celebrate its greatness.  In fact, it deserves to be celebrated each day in as many moments as possible. 

Love exists in the moments.  In the moments when you see the beauty of a sunny morning, a child holding the hand of a parent, or the puppy down the street chasing a ball.  Love is easy to see in the minutes we are happy, it’s a lot harder to find in the minutes that scare us, break our hearts or make us sick to our stomach.  But it’s there.  It’s always there if you look hard enough.

Trouble is life has a way of leading us in a direction where we miss the moments, the ones that embody love.  Sometimes it’s because we become too involved in creating something or being a certain version of ourselves.  Sometimes we miss the love, because we don’t know how to see it or where to even look.  And sometimes the definition of love that we have created or been taught doesn’t exist. 

There are moments in our lives that remind us that tomorrow isn’t a promise.  So in the name of love, slow down and give yourself the opportunity to LOVE the moments. 

Bits and pieces of letting go...

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

No one is just simply in need of control.  Rather it’s the circumstances in one’s life that creates the overwhelming need or desire to keep it all together.  Early in my life I learned to rely on no one else but myself.  I can recall moments where I placed my needs in the hands of others and they were not fulfilled.  Time and time again I found myself waiting on someone else to care who didn’t. 

Have you ever looked back in search of that single moment that led you here?  Well that single moment doesn’t exist.  More often than not, it is a series of moments or circumstances you found yourself experiencing over and over again.  In those moments your sense of self was created.  In the moments of loneliness, after waiting hours at the end of the driveway for a birth mother who never came, or the times where my heart ached for love, parts of my self were being created.  Consider the effects those moments can have on the development of a little girl into the creation of a woman.  My sense of self learned doubt and shame and bits of those became deeply rooted in my foundation of self.

It’s important to say that my twin sister Michelle has always been an exemplary form of unconditional love in my life.  That’s where the rest of the struggle is, in those interactions where I felt over and over again that I didn’t meet the conditions in order to be loved. 

As a means of protection and self-preservation I sought out the support of no one.  I worked very hard, on my own to meet my basic needs and to support and love my little twin sis.  I can remember taking walks deep into the woods and allowing myself moments of release where I would scream and cry and demand that someone or something greater than myself care for my spirit.  The struggle of feeling alone is a difficult one and it led me to mistrust others.  I couldn’t bear the thought of ever putting my needs in the hands of another and be refused once again.  So, while I built relationships I kept myself guarded.

While time does heal wounds, it was my desire to connect to another human and find love that led me to adjust my sense of self that had prevented me from showing anyone the deepest part of myself, my heart.  In my recreating of self, I dug deep at my foundation and found the roots of the shame, the doubt, the fear and the loss and tore them free.  Slowly I allowed myself to open up.  It took a very special man who accepted me without any conditions and told me that I deserved to be loved.

In order to create, one must reflect...

“It’s about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone…A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.” - Jodi Picoult

Today was going to be different. Today I was to meet a stranger, the person who gave birth to me. The Mother I had not seen in eight years. Finally I was going to learn about the other part of me that was taken away so many years ago. I was scared, excited, happy and sad all at once. I had a million emotions mixing around inside of me, many I didn’t understand. Although I had my twin sister beside me in this situation, I knew I had had to walk it alone. When I reached the Children’s Aid Society I was very curious. I wondered what my mom looked like. I walked through the waiting room, walking right past my biological mom, not even knowing or acknowledging it.
For once, my questions would be answered, a life-long dream. I no longer had to lose sleep wondering if I really had a mom somewhere out in the world. Not only was this day filled with curiosity and excitement, it was filled with pain and tears. We all gathered in a small room, my twin sister Michelle, my foster mom, my social worker, my birth mother, my older sister Tammy and myself. It all started with a quick embrace from both mom and sister. That is when I think the tears started. My tears were of happiness and pain. I was happy because I was able to meet my mom and sister. I knew that another piece to my puzzle of life would be filled. I cried tears of pain because I wondered why my mom never tried to look for me, didn’t she want me? I knew that today I wouldn’t get all of the answers to my questions, but I hoped they would come in time. In that moment, in knew that I would remember that day forever.

This excerpt is taken from the words of fourteen year old Wendy, remembering a day when she was twelve. That day of reuniting with my birth mother and sister, was the beginning of a very difficult journey.

The thing about recreating a foundation of self is it takes reflection on the foundation that already exists. Even, at the age of 12, I was mindful of my foundation of self. Some of the building blocks were strong and indestructible while others were falling apart or were pieces of wood that would rot over time. Now in order to recreate a foundation of self that is strong I begin by evaluating what is there. What blocks do I want to keep, what stones do I want to throw away and replace with new blocks that will stand the test of time? In our foundation of self, some of those blocks were not placed there by us, sometimes they are blocks filled with pain and sadness handed down from someone else. Sometimes though, the blocks placed by another are placed there in hopes of building up parts of a foundation sure to crumble with time.
There are parts of me, parts of my foundation that are not mine and disrupt the integrity of the entire creation. While there are other parts that are a result of sad or scary events or people, but with bravery and mortar I can situate those parts among stronger, healthier parts as a means of supporting them. Recreating my foundation of self is about keeping hold of who I am while growing into who I will be.

Parenting sometimes begins with a puppy...

A year after John and I bought our first house we decided we were ready to get a puppy.  In all honesty, I think John assumed it would lessen my immediate desire to have children.  This did happen a tiny bit.   In fact after a several very long days of caring for a very needy GSP I questioned my ability to manage a household with children at all.  But then it got easier.

Before getting a dog, we researched breeds that we felt would suit our personality, lifestyle and home.  We wanted a dog who loved the outdoors and John insisted it be a dog that would fetch a ball…so we decided on a medium size dog, a German Short-haired Pointer.  Then for months I searched far and wide for a breeder expecting puppies at the beginning of summer, I couldn’t fathom house-training a puppy in the middle of an Ottawa winter.  We lucked out, well sort of.  We found a breeder but had to travel about 8hrs there and back in a car without air-conditioning and it was unusually warm for May 24. 

Like I said in a previous blog, I enjoy being in control, knowing what might happen and how best to deal if and when it does.  I borrowed a puppy training book from a friend and read it front to back.  Then I asked John how he planned on being part of the process.  I suggested he read the book, he didn’t think it was necessary. How  was I going to get him to understand that in order to train this puppy, we must have a united front.  So, I did something any organized, perhaps a little overbearing person might do.  I made cue cards that we would use when training him to go to the bathroom outside, or crate training for example.  I also asked that John and I attend puppy training classes together, which we did.

Nikel created a space for John and I to negotiate and discuss how we were going to care for and discipline our new family member.  We decided to crate train him from the beginning and John and I took turns sleeping outside on the floor.  We took him for walks, introduced him to others and john shared his love of soccer.  He tested our limits and reminded us of the true meaning of unconditional love.  We purchased pet insurance, got him healthy dog food and bought him lots of toys.

As time went on I learned that I was the tough one and realised that in the future, “wait until your father gets home” will likely be an empty threat.  Nikel has managed to convince John that he deserves to lick his cereal bowl, because he’s cute.  Get on the couch, again because he’s cute and he even found his way into our bed (to snuggle before bed and in the am on weekends).  So, Nikel isn’t just a dog.  He’s part of our family.  While Nikel takes up space in our house, he has created space for our future children. 

Letting go and asking for help...

"You don't have to be everything to everyone, all of the time."

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with your boyfriend, partner or husband because you have asked him to do something for you but it takes him five minutes to get up and do it or he doesn’t end up doing it how you would, had you done it yourself?  This is my example of control at its best or shall I say its worst.  My strong need for control didn’t even permit me to ask for help or when I did, the expectations were unrealistic.  This was the precursor for many arguments due to me being frustrated with all the responsibility and chores around the house.  More often than not, I didn’t even ask for help, I just did it myself.  What I didn’t realize until later, was that reality of feeling overwhelmed was something I created because my need for control prevented the help and support from my significant other.

When I noticed this fault of mine I saw the way it was cheating our relationship.  Many, many times I had expressed my desire to John that our relationship be a form of a partnership, where we each take on responsibility, roles and be committed to each other.  But the need to control my surroundings prevented me from giving John the opportunity to be part of our partnership.

After John got sick I was put in a position where I barely had enough energy to eat, I was sleeping very little and my stress level was high.  It took what energy I did have to get me to the hospital to be there for John.  As a result, I let things go, I had to.  I had little time for or interest in cooking, getting groceries, going to the gym or housekeeping.  At this time I couldn’t even ask John for help.   In 2011 John had two major surgeries and another little one.  After the two final surgeries John wasn’t allowed to lift anything, no groceries, not more than a dish at a time.  He also wasn’t allowed to vacuum, take out the garbage or walk our 65lb dog.  So, during this time I learned a few things.  I learned to do what was possible.  If this meant redefining the definition of a clean bathroom from a spotless space to a room with a clean towel, toilet paper and a clean toilet, then that’s what I did.  I also learned to ask for help, which was incredibly difficult and deserves a future blog post of its own.  When John was healthy again and able to help around the house, I asked for help again, but this time it was different.  Now when I asked for help I let him do it his way and in his timeframe. 

So, instead of continually taking on more than you can handle because, your partner doesn’t do it right or does it on Wednesday instead of Monday, just let it go.  Learn that when you ask for help with something you are giving up the responsibility of it and the expectations.  Stop trying to control your life and start creating a partnership.

Sometimes I think I'm funny...

 God writes a lot of comedy.  The trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.  - Garrison Keillor

In the midst of my reflecting and writing, my life happens.  I think it’s important to mention that I didn’t plan on writing a blog.   In fact until about a month ago, I had not given myself the opportunity to write.  I used to write all the time, then suddenly life got busy and I denied myself that pleasure. It has been way too long, but then one day, and then another and another after that I became inspired to write again.  So I thought seriously about a blog, I second guessed my ability, I debated whether I should even do it, finally I committed – well sort of.  I created a blog page, then wrote my first entry and asked a couple of wonderful friends to read it before I finally decided to post it.  Before making the final decision I asked John if he would be alright with it, as inevitably I would be sharing some of his life as well.  He agreed but asked that it be funny.  As you can see I am more sensitive and inquisitive than I am hilarious.

Despite my inability to be comical, there are definitely things that occur in my life, in our house and between John and I that are amusing.  Sometimes I find my own jokes to be hilarious, while John finds it silly, especially when he looks over and sees me still laughing at something I said five minutes ago.  But my plan is to try to once in a while to integrate the funnier parts of our lives into a blog dispersed amongst the blogs about reflection, growth and love.

Sometimes the things that happen to me are funnier than the things that I say.  For example, on April Fool’s Day ten minutes before I was to leave the house for the day.  I reached into the fridge took out the orange juice and shook it.  Unfortunately, the lid was not on and I soaked myself in orange juice.  With only a few minutes to spare I decided to change my clothes and just let my hair air dry.  But, as the orange juice dried I looked more like the girl in Something about Mary, then I cared to explain.