Saying goodbye...

"Sometimes saying goodbye is giving yourself permission to move away from the self people think you are to the person you believe yourself to be."

            Rarely do you ever cross my mind.  It took a long time to let you go…As a child I wished and prayed for you often.  I wanted to see your face and to hear your voice.  I begged God to make you present in my life.  Finally, he succumbed to my wanting desire and you were there the day I came to meet you.  When I walked into the room I didn’t know which face was yours.  I had no recollection of you; all those memories had been washed away by the hands of my mind.

             But, there you were looking nothing like me.  I was scared.  I had so much to say, so much to ask.  I didn’t know which to do first.  So, I didn’t speak, but I opened myself up and absorbed every detail of that day.

            We began to spend more and more time together but I was still so far from knowing you.  So many years had passed, maybe too many.  Instead of being someone I didn’t know, you became someone I still didn’t know.  Life didn’t change much after you presented yourself to me.  In fact you replaced no one as I expected you might.  Instead you became the upset part of my life.  You left me feeling more lost than before I met you.

            One day I woke up and realized that I didn’t need you.  All the people I loved and those who loved me were still around and doing a better job than you ever tried to.  It saddens me to say this, but it is my truth.  My life functions well without you.  You are not the missing link I was looking for; it was here beside me all along.

           Perhaps if you had made different choices I wouldn’t have to say this, but that is not the case…Goodbye

This piece above I wrote in 2001 several years after ending visitation with my birth mother.

Growing up without the reality of a parent altered the person I became.  The care givers in my life were persons in the business of providing temporary care to children; foster parents.  But for one reason or another Michelle and I were raised for 17 years by temporary parents.  I know not what it means to have a mother or a father.  I do know what it feels like as a child in grade five trying to explain to her teacher why she can’t complete her family tree assignment.  I know what it feels like to be bullied and tormented because of the setting in which I was raised.  I don’t know what it’s like to call home mid-semester in first year of university to ask for $50 for groceries.  Sadly, I know that I am not alone in my experience.

When a child reaches a certain age, he/she/they begin preparing themselves for their understanding of self.  This journey is often travelled through asking a series of questions.  Where did I come from?  Where do I want to go?  Who am I?   I never expected the journey to be easy, but I also never imagined that at the age of 30, some of those questions would still not be answered.  They might never be answered and that reality became part of my foundation of self.  It enabled me to permit myself to become without a definitive history of who I was. 

It doesn’t matter if I am Scottish or Irish.  It doesn’t matter if my birth parents loved me or not.  It does matter that I am here, that I didn’t just survive but that I was resilient.  It matters that despite the sadness that has found its way into my life; I can see beyond it and be confident that it doesn’t define me.  It matters that I care about my needs and the needs of others in a way that embodies love and empathy. I have learned that we are not creations of the past defined by others.  Instead we are an evolution of a being that is always becoming.

What creates a foundation?

         “The future is not some place we are going but one we create. The paths are not found but made and the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination.”

So what’s this blog about anyways???  Well it’s a reflection on a life that is currently being lived by me.  It came out of an experience that left me wondering what the heck happened to my control. 

When John suddenly became sick our world shifted and I lost my footing.  No matter who we are, there are moments that occur in our life that alter the world in which we live.  As a means of taking control and using it in a healthy way I decided to reflect and create.  I wanted to begin to prepare a foundation of self that could withstand anything that might happen and thus alter the course of my life.  I realize this foundation will not prevent things from happening, but it will provide me with a sense of self that will continue to go on.

After my recent experience with a significant change I saw it as means of creating a new normal.  When something significant happens (baby, sickness, job loss or gain, death of someone significant…I could go on forever, but you get the idea) and things start to settle down, they never go back to how they were.  Something new is created, and in the midst of it all we are provided with an opportunity to grow.

Part of what came out of my new normal was the realization that I wanted to spend some time discovering what really defines who I am.  Essentially I wanted to consider what parts of me exist after a life-altering event?  What do I need in order to nurture my sense of self in order to continue on?  I also wanted to consider what I might have to give up in order to be happy and or grow?

 

In essence, I renewed my hope and desire in creating a foundation of self that would protect the integrity of my being, my soul, my sense of self that allowed me to believe, dream and function in a world that is filled with good and bad, positive and negative, loss and gains, pain and forgiveness.  My foundation of self is about allowing myself the opportunity to create an environment that meets my needs for survival.  I learned again that my needs do not have to be given up in order to develop or maintain the needs of someone else.  Basically I was reminded that I deserve the property and tools necessary in creating a foundation of self.

Love = Greatness...

“But love wasn’t about sacrifice, and it wasn’t about falling short of someone’s expectations.  By definition, love made you better than good enough; it redefined perfection to include your traits, instead of excluding them.” – Jodi Picoult

In celebration of all of the other days before and after Valentine’s Day, I am writing this blog entry.  Love is an extraordinary feeling, so powerful it has the ability to transform your sense of self.  Love doesn’t deserve one day to celebrate its greatness.  In fact, it deserves to be celebrated each day in as many moments as possible. 

Love exists in the moments.  In the moments when you see the beauty of a sunny morning, a child holding the hand of a parent, or the puppy down the street chasing a ball.  Love is easy to see in the minutes we are happy, it’s a lot harder to find in the minutes that scare us, break our hearts or make us sick to our stomach.  But it’s there.  It’s always there if you look hard enough.

Trouble is life has a way of leading us in a direction where we miss the moments, the ones that embody love.  Sometimes it’s because we become too involved in creating something or being a certain version of ourselves.  Sometimes we miss the love, because we don’t know how to see it or where to even look.  And sometimes the definition of love that we have created or been taught doesn’t exist. 

There are moments in our lives that remind us that tomorrow isn’t a promise.  So in the name of love, slow down and give yourself the opportunity to LOVE the moments. 

Bits and pieces of letting go...

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

No one is just simply in need of control.  Rather it’s the circumstances in one’s life that creates the overwhelming need or desire to keep it all together.  Early in my life I learned to rely on no one else but myself.  I can recall moments where I placed my needs in the hands of others and they were not fulfilled.  Time and time again I found myself waiting on someone else to care who didn’t. 

Have you ever looked back in search of that single moment that led you here?  Well that single moment doesn’t exist.  More often than not, it is a series of moments or circumstances you found yourself experiencing over and over again.  In those moments your sense of self was created.  In the moments of loneliness, after waiting hours at the end of the driveway for a birth mother who never came, or the times where my heart ached for love, parts of my self were being created.  Consider the effects those moments can have on the development of a little girl into the creation of a woman.  My sense of self learned doubt and shame and bits of those became deeply rooted in my foundation of self.

It’s important to say that my twin sister Michelle has always been an exemplary form of unconditional love in my life.  That’s where the rest of the struggle is, in those interactions where I felt over and over again that I didn’t meet the conditions in order to be loved. 

As a means of protection and self-preservation I sought out the support of no one.  I worked very hard, on my own to meet my basic needs and to support and love my little twin sis.  I can remember taking walks deep into the woods and allowing myself moments of release where I would scream and cry and demand that someone or something greater than myself care for my spirit.  The struggle of feeling alone is a difficult one and it led me to mistrust others.  I couldn’t bear the thought of ever putting my needs in the hands of another and be refused once again.  So, while I built relationships I kept myself guarded.

While time does heal wounds, it was my desire to connect to another human and find love that led me to adjust my sense of self that had prevented me from showing anyone the deepest part of myself, my heart.  In my recreating of self, I dug deep at my foundation and found the roots of the shame, the doubt, the fear and the loss and tore them free.  Slowly I allowed myself to open up.  It took a very special man who accepted me without any conditions and told me that I deserved to be loved.