In order to create, one must reflect...

“It’s about a girl who is on the cusp of becoming someone…A girl who may not know what she wants right now, and she may not know who she is right now, but who deserves the chance to find out.” - Jodi Picoult

Today was going to be different. Today I was to meet a stranger, the person who gave birth to me. The Mother I had not seen in eight years. Finally I was going to learn about the other part of me that was taken away so many years ago. I was scared, excited, happy and sad all at once. I had a million emotions mixing around inside of me, many I didn’t understand. Although I had my twin sister beside me in this situation, I knew I had had to walk it alone. When I reached the Children’s Aid Society I was very curious. I wondered what my mom looked like. I walked through the waiting room, walking right past my biological mom, not even knowing or acknowledging it.
For once, my questions would be answered, a life-long dream. I no longer had to lose sleep wondering if I really had a mom somewhere out in the world. Not only was this day filled with curiosity and excitement, it was filled with pain and tears. We all gathered in a small room, my twin sister Michelle, my foster mom, my social worker, my birth mother, my older sister Tammy and myself. It all started with a quick embrace from both mom and sister. That is when I think the tears started. My tears were of happiness and pain. I was happy because I was able to meet my mom and sister. I knew that another piece to my puzzle of life would be filled. I cried tears of pain because I wondered why my mom never tried to look for me, didn’t she want me? I knew that today I wouldn’t get all of the answers to my questions, but I hoped they would come in time. In that moment, in knew that I would remember that day forever.

This excerpt is taken from the words of fourteen year old Wendy, remembering a day when she was twelve. That day of reuniting with my birth mother and sister, was the beginning of a very difficult journey.

The thing about recreating a foundation of self is it takes reflection on the foundation that already exists. Even, at the age of 12, I was mindful of my foundation of self. Some of the building blocks were strong and indestructible while others were falling apart or were pieces of wood that would rot over time. Now in order to recreate a foundation of self that is strong I begin by evaluating what is there. What blocks do I want to keep, what stones do I want to throw away and replace with new blocks that will stand the test of time? In our foundation of self, some of those blocks were not placed there by us, sometimes they are blocks filled with pain and sadness handed down from someone else. Sometimes though, the blocks placed by another are placed there in hopes of building up parts of a foundation sure to crumble with time.
There are parts of me, parts of my foundation that are not mine and disrupt the integrity of the entire creation. While there are other parts that are a result of sad or scary events or people, but with bravery and mortar I can situate those parts among stronger, healthier parts as a means of supporting them. Recreating my foundation of self is about keeping hold of who I am while growing into who I will be.