Letting go and asking for help...

"You don't have to be everything to everyone, all of the time."

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with your boyfriend, partner or husband because you have asked him to do something for you but it takes him five minutes to get up and do it or he doesn’t end up doing it how you would, had you done it yourself?  This is my example of control at its best or shall I say its worst.  My strong need for control didn’t even permit me to ask for help or when I did, the expectations were unrealistic.  This was the precursor for many arguments due to me being frustrated with all the responsibility and chores around the house.  More often than not, I didn’t even ask for help, I just did it myself.  What I didn’t realize until later, was that reality of feeling overwhelmed was something I created because my need for control prevented the help and support from my significant other.

When I noticed this fault of mine I saw the way it was cheating our relationship.  Many, many times I had expressed my desire to John that our relationship be a form of a partnership, where we each take on responsibility, roles and be committed to each other.  But the need to control my surroundings prevented me from giving John the opportunity to be part of our partnership.

After John got sick I was put in a position where I barely had enough energy to eat, I was sleeping very little and my stress level was high.  It took what energy I did have to get me to the hospital to be there for John.  As a result, I let things go, I had to.  I had little time for or interest in cooking, getting groceries, going to the gym or housekeeping.  At this time I couldn’t even ask John for help.   In 2011 John had two major surgeries and another little one.  After the two final surgeries John wasn’t allowed to lift anything, no groceries, not more than a dish at a time.  He also wasn’t allowed to vacuum, take out the garbage or walk our 65lb dog.  So, during this time I learned a few things.  I learned to do what was possible.  If this meant redefining the definition of a clean bathroom from a spotless space to a room with a clean towel, toilet paper and a clean toilet, then that’s what I did.  I also learned to ask for help, which was incredibly difficult and deserves a future blog post of its own.  When John was healthy again and able to help around the house, I asked for help again, but this time it was different.  Now when I asked for help I let him do it his way and in his timeframe. 

So, instead of continually taking on more than you can handle because, your partner doesn’t do it right or does it on Wednesday instead of Monday, just let it go.  Learn that when you ask for help with something you are giving up the responsibility of it and the expectations.  Stop trying to control your life and start creating a partnership.