Bits and pieces of letting go...

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” -C.S. Lewis

No one is just simply in need of control.  Rather it’s the circumstances in one’s life that creates the overwhelming need or desire to keep it all together.  Early in my life I learned to rely on no one else but myself.  I can recall moments where I placed my needs in the hands of others and they were not fulfilled.  Time and time again I found myself waiting on someone else to care who didn’t. 

Have you ever looked back in search of that single moment that led you here?  Well that single moment doesn’t exist.  More often than not, it is a series of moments or circumstances you found yourself experiencing over and over again.  In those moments your sense of self was created.  In the moments of loneliness, after waiting hours at the end of the driveway for a birth mother who never came, or the times where my heart ached for love, parts of my self were being created.  Consider the effects those moments can have on the development of a little girl into the creation of a woman.  My sense of self learned doubt and shame and bits of those became deeply rooted in my foundation of self.

It’s important to say that my twin sister Michelle has always been an exemplary form of unconditional love in my life.  That’s where the rest of the struggle is, in those interactions where I felt over and over again that I didn’t meet the conditions in order to be loved. 

As a means of protection and self-preservation I sought out the support of no one.  I worked very hard, on my own to meet my basic needs and to support and love my little twin sis.  I can remember taking walks deep into the woods and allowing myself moments of release where I would scream and cry and demand that someone or something greater than myself care for my spirit.  The struggle of feeling alone is a difficult one and it led me to mistrust others.  I couldn’t bear the thought of ever putting my needs in the hands of another and be refused once again.  So, while I built relationships I kept myself guarded.

While time does heal wounds, it was my desire to connect to another human and find love that led me to adjust my sense of self that had prevented me from showing anyone the deepest part of myself, my heart.  In my recreating of self, I dug deep at my foundation and found the roots of the shame, the doubt, the fear and the loss and tore them free.  Slowly I allowed myself to open up.  It took a very special man who accepted me without any conditions and told me that I deserved to be loved.