“She was all the things
I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't. Her hand, it fit mine.” – Jodi Picoult
I don’t currently have children, but one day I will. In fact, I have never imagined a future where
children don’t exist. Being a mom isn’t
something I aspire to be; it is something I am becoming. When most little girls were pretending to
play house with dolls, I was mothering my younger twin sister.
I cannot describe what it feels like to be held in a loving
mother’s arms, but I hope at one point in my life I was and that I felt
love. I do know how it feels to reach
out and grasp a small hand just like mine and to hear the little whispered I
love you in our darkened bedroom. The
sad and wonderful thing is that as I grew, my understanding of love came only
from the connection that was between just two little girls. It’s hard to imagine, but I have no memories
of any of those moments where I was held and loved by a parent. While I had caregivers and people who loved
me, I have no idea what it means to have a mom and/or a dad. I never had the opportunity to crawl into my
parent’s bed to be comforted during a storm, or snuggled after a scary dream. So instead of building a relationship with
non-existent parents, the connection between Michelle and I grew with each
moment shared by holding hands and loving each other unconditionally.
In my attempt to create a world for future children, I have
one purpose; to ensure that no child that ever enters our lives will question
or doubt that they are loved. So, with
that purpose I have learned to communicate and fight fairly, so that children
will see that despite becoming upset with one another, John and I still love
each other; I have learned to take care of myself by making time for things
that I enjoy; I have learned to appreciate and understand the strengths of the
man standing next to me and most recently I have begun learning to let go,
something I imagine every parent needs to do.
When John and I started looking to buy a house I was
picturing our children in it. In fact,
one house we looked at numerous times before finally putting in an offer had
almost everything on our wish-list. But,
I remember saying to John each time we looked at it that I was worried about
the location of the stairs as I could see our children chasing each other or
the dog and the thought of them falling frightened me. While John may have told me not to worry
about children we didn’t have yet, he was imagining himself and a son or two
kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard.
Because the positioning of the stairs could be fixed and the yard was
determined big enough to play soccer, we bought the house.
And one day this house will be filled with a child or
two. Children that we will love, cuddle
and whisper I love you in the dark and in those moments we will create for them
memories of pure unconditional love.
No comments:
Post a Comment