"Children need at least one
person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who
delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally." - Pam Leo
Recently, I
listened to a child psychologist speak about attachment, specifically in
children. He expressed that those little
ones who didn’t get the opportunity to build strong connections to an adult
caregiver, were more often than not doomed.
In other words, their likelihood to survive was limited and their life was
sure to be marked with maladaptive behaviour, pain and more often than not
mental illness. As I looked around the
room at the pediatric residents, I realized that I was an outlier. For one, I was the only social worker in the
room but more remarkably, I was one of those children the psychologist had described
as doomed.
Attachment
is core to our human existence. It’s the
power that unites each one of us with at least one other person from the moment
we are born. A secure attachment
requires a caregiver who meets the needs of an infant as it evolves into a toddler,
into a child, into an adolescent and throughout the life of an adult. I believe that attachment is deeply rooted in
the foundation of self. If a child
learns early on that his cries in expression of a need are not met by the
comfort and caring of an adult caregiver, he soon learns that the world is a
scary place where he is alone. However,
if a child’s cries are met with the love and support of a caregiver, he learns that
the world is safe and he gradually seeks to meet his own needs in time.
As a baby my
sister and I would cry out and more often than not, our needs were not met by
the adult in the room. But, a powerful
secure attachment between two tiny babies was created. I believe it is that secure attachment that
lead to not only our survival but our ability to excel as our lives evolved
from a scared, innocent child into an aware, experienced adult.
Attachment
isn’t just about meeting the needs of a screaming child. It’s really about the foundation of self that
is created in those moments of need, leaving the child with the belief that he
matters and that he is loved. Even as an
adult, we continue to have the deep desire to know we are loved and that we
matter. In the search for continued reassurance
of that, we seek out an attachment that keeps us deeply rooted in our foundation
of self.
