Life happens between the moments you planned and the ones you didn't...

“Life was what happened when all the what-if’s didn’t, when what you dreamed or hoped or – in this case – feared might come to pass, passed by instead. ”  - Jodi Picoult

I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  So many moments have occurred in my life; moments that have led me in the direction that I was going and other moments that set me off on an entirely new path.  Looking back, I have noticed something.  It seems that the moments that led me in a different direction than I had planned were pretty remarkable ones.  Some of the moments were difficult and emotionally draining experiences but my evolution of self as a result is remarkable. 

2007 was a year that my whole world turned on its axis.  The person that I was becoming was interrupted and almost forsaken.  I made mistakes, I hurt people and in the end I was stronger, smarter and more insightful.  Those moments enabled me to stand up for my desires and wants and I learned to love myself for who I was, which enabled love to flourish around me.  Finally, I had shed the little-girl armour that had prevented me from letting others in.  I unlocked my voice and more importantly I believed in that voice. 

In 2011 again my world shifted, this time was different.  I was scared, absolutely terrified by the thought of losing the most incredible, loving man I have ever known.  For a woman who grew up being left behind by so many people these moments were both trying and difficult.  This journey in sickness and health became a life lesson for me.  I was reminded that nothing is as important as health, love and letting go.  That early morning in February was the beginning of a series of events that lead to multi-faceted growth within my foundation of self.  That morning woke up the woman inside me who had the desire to live a true life.  In living true, I believe life is about living in the moment, about being really present and living up to the only expectations that matter- your own, and only the realistic ones. 

It became my mission to solidify my foundation of self so that in any future times of trouble or distress my sense of being wouldn’t falter.  I wanted to know what I needed in order to cope, what I needed to do to take care of myself before taking on the needs of another.  In this foundation building my greatest achievement was allowing myself to put my needs ahead of all others.  I learned that doing so is not selfish, but necessary.  Letting go became the ticket to putting myself first.  I became more invested in my own needs and gave little power to the needs and expectations that existed outside of my own.

Life has taught me that the life we plan isn’t always the life we are meant to live and that’s ok.  Life is about loving the moments and sharing the love in those moments with the people around you that really matter.

Authenticity – The centre of your universe!

“There’s always going to be bad stuff out there.  But, here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness every time.” – Jodi Picoult

Recently a series of events left me questioning my role and had me wavering in doubt of my ability to cope.  I was not sure if I could maintain the strength of the person I had become with the values and morals I had built into my foundation of self.  How could I still be that person and know that things that I believed to be unfair, wrong and unjust were happening around me.  How could I just stand by and not be overcome?  I thought that in order to cope I would have to separate and alter my ego in order to remove myself of the responsibility. 

There are incidents that have occurred in my past which caused me to pick up and carry on.  In order to carry on, at times I had to put on a brave face.  In that pick-up and carry-on way of doing things, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  It felt like I was altering my sense of self, even just a little in order to manage.  In the past few years, I have worked very hard to revolutionize my authenticity.  We all want to be who we are, in every moment no matter the circumstance.  If that is true, why do we find ourselves forcing a smile onto our face and pressuring on.  What’s the shame in saying; no it’s too much, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me?  It is not wrong to stand up and say no, but it is hard.  It is also not wrong to pick-up and carry-on.  And it doesn’t mean you are any less or an alternative version of yourself.

I believe that to be authentic it is to be true to my feelings as well as my expectations.  In the past months I have realised how to strengthen the integrity of my foundation and to remain whole in my existence amongst the good and the bad.  I have realized that I am not responsible for the doings of others.  Just because I have seen actions and behaviours that I would not do myself does not mean that I sanction those behaviours.  Even in the moments or circumstance of wrongdoing the only power I have is to continue to be righteous in my foundation of self.  I cannot control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of another.

So, my new way of being is about being who I desire to be in each and every moment and never requiring myself to alter my foundation of self as a means of coping.  Authenticity is knowing where you end and another begins.  It’s the awareness of self in relation to the needs, wants, desires and expectations of others.  It’s about believing in your judgement and understanding that which occurs outside of self needn’t become who you are.

 

The Secrets that bind us...

“No matter what you do in your life, what you create, what career you have, whether you have a family or make lots of money; your greatest creation is always going to be your life’s story” – Jonathan Harris

We all have a story, for some it’s stored in a box on a shelf, neatly organized among the other parts of our history.  For others it’s buried deep beneath everything else, rarely looked at.  But for some that story becomes a secret, its memory and pure existence hidden from most of the people in our life.  Sometimes the shame attached to that story gives us the reason to deny the reality of it ever happening.  So, we begin by doing little things to ignore it or refuse it.  Sadly we sometimes lose sight of its power to motivate or strengthen us.

The beauty of that story or secret is that despite our belief of being alone in its experience we are not.  Someone somewhere has travelled a similar road or shared a comparable sadness.  I believe that secrets are deeply rooted in our foundation of self.  Sometimes they break us down, but more often, they build us up. 

The beautiful thing of humanity is that we are born into a community of similar beings.  We were never meant to live alone, nor should we struggle alone.  To be human is to share with another the story of ourselves, even the secrets, especially the secrets.  These stories speak to our ability to feel, to our limitless existence, and our ability to persevere in the face of adversity. 

There is a true strength and an admirable notion to the person who shares each part of self, even the parts that are tarnished, bruised or broken.  Because the beauty of humanity isn’t about being perfect it’s about being honest to your experience.

Attachment - the deepest roots in the foundation of self...

"Children need at least one person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally."  - Pam Leo

Recently, I listened to a child psychologist speak about attachment, specifically in children.  He expressed that those little ones who didn’t get the opportunity to build strong connections to an adult caregiver, were more often than not doomed.  In other words, their likelihood to survive was limited and their life was sure to be marked with maladaptive behaviour, pain and more often than not mental illness.  As I looked around the room at the pediatric residents, I realized that I was an outlier.  For one, I was the only social worker in the room but more remarkably, I was one of those children the psychologist had described as doomed. 

Attachment is core to our human existence.  It’s the power that unites each one of us with at least one other person from the moment we are born.  A secure attachment requires a caregiver who meets the needs of an infant as it evolves into a toddler, into a child, into an adolescent and throughout the life of an adult.  I believe that attachment is deeply rooted in the foundation of self.  If a child learns early on that his cries in expression of a need are not met by the comfort and caring of an adult caregiver, he soon learns that the world is a scary place where he is alone.  However, if a child’s cries are met with the love and support of a caregiver, he learns that the world is safe and he gradually seeks to meet his own needs in time.

As a baby my sister and I would cry out and more often than not, our needs were not met by the adult in the room.  But, a powerful secure attachment between two tiny babies was created.  I believe it is that secure attachment that lead to not only our survival but our ability to excel as our lives evolved from a scared, innocent child into an aware, experienced adult. 

Attachment isn’t just about meeting the needs of a screaming child.  It’s really about the foundation of self that is created in those moments of need, leaving the child with the belief that he matters and that he is loved.  Even as an adult, we continue to have the deep desire to know we are loved and that we matter.  In the search for continued reassurance of that, we seek out an attachment that keeps us deeply rooted in our foundation of self.

Awareness of self comes with age

 “Growing up isn’t about getting older, it’s about becoming someone.”

Last year at this time I was nearing my thirtieth birthday and was dreading it.   I kept thinking that despite the experiences I have had in my life I didn’t feel like I was thirty, and really, I didn’t want to be.  I guess it felt like this was the point of no return.  I would no longer be considered a young adult and the likelihood of being mistaken for a twenty-something would become rare.  So, on my thirtieth I announced that I was in fact turning twenty-five forever. 

But, now as the end of my thirtieth year approaches the desire to be twenty-five again is disappearing and being replaced with the honest-to-goodness reality, that I am no longer a young woman.  I am an adult, a beautiful woman who not only appreciates my experience but also the years I have lived on this earth.  I am learning to embrace the emerging grey hairs and the reality that as I age my body will change.  I am more grounded and self-aware than I ever could have been at twenty or twenty-five.  In my thirties I have learned about what I need to take care of myself and that it’s ok to take a break from my own expectations.  I have learned that love really is central to everything and so is healthy communication for that matter.  I have realised that having a spotless house doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  And no matter how hard I try to create change in someone else, the only change I really have power with is myself.  I have learned that the world is filled with both good and bad and in both instances I have an amazing group of friends, so close they are family to share it with.  The most refreshing thing learned in my thirties is to let go and just be, truly in the moment.

 I am still not exactly sure what I feared or dreaded when my biological clock flipped to thirty.  I imagine the dread might have had to do with thirty being the year I had previously created deadlines for myself.  At a much younger age, I had imagined myself to be married with children by the time I was thirty.  Now, as my life continues to move forward and I become another year older.  My hopes of marriage and baby haven’t disappeared in fact those hopes have evolved.  Now, I may not have a ring on my left ring finger or a baby at my breast.   But I have become a self who will succeed in both of those instances, more so than I imagine I might have at twenty or thirty.  So, turning thirty wasn’t so bad and turning thirty-one will be pretty great too as I continue to learn and grow into the beautiful woman who doesn’t just age but evolves year after year.

The Foundation of Family

"Wherever there is lasting love, there is a family."

Family isn’t just about who’s related and who isn’t.   Family is about love, support and acceptance.  It’s about taking care of one another and being strong when times are tough. Family is the foundation of our lives.  It is what we are born into and it is also what we create.  Family is there for the good and bad times, the struggles and the triumphs.  At the end of the day, family is often there when everything else falls away.

At various points in my life I have redefined my version of family which as a result has deepened the roots and overall integrity of my foundation.  For me, family is a multi-dimensional system, mainly one in which I have created.  Despite the lack or perhaps because of my limited birth family I have placed a great deal of importance on family.  I believe that as I have grown and matured my understanding of family flourished into a beautiful web of care and love grown out of intimate moments and friendship.   In the past year when John was sick our world shifted and I was lost.  But luckily with my family I was found.  And for that I am forever grateful.  Their strength, persistence and support not only helped our little family but it allowed me to evolve as an individual.  In the moments when I could ask for help they were there and more importantly, in the moments when the words to describe my needs couldn’t pass my lips they were there just the same.  Johns Mom, Dad and Step-mom were amazing as they were there in the moments of crisis and made our house not seem so big and empty while John stayed at the hospital for weeks.  Our neighbors walked and fed our dog, plowed our driveway and cut our lawn.  John’s coworkers sent flowers, movies and magazines to help us pass the time.  My work also sent flowers and a wonderful care package filled with all things necessary and useful while in hospital.  They also provided a great amount of food, which was very important for me at the beginning.   There were many friends who called, wrote and send positive thoughts our way.  Some friends came to visit after we had left the hospital and some brought us groceries for months.  In those months when life was a little too much and a bit overwhelming all of the important people who care were there and that is the true definition of family.

Be-coming a Mother...

“She was all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't.  Her hand, it fit mine.” – Jodi Picoult

I don’t currently have children, but one day I will.  In fact, I have never imagined a future where children don’t exist.  Being a mom isn’t something I aspire to be; it is something I am becoming.   When most little girls were pretending to play house with dolls, I was mothering my younger twin sister.

I cannot describe what it feels like to be held in a loving mother’s arms, but I hope at one point in my life I was and that I felt love.  I do know how it feels to reach out and grasp a small hand just like mine and to hear the little whispered I love you in our darkened bedroom.  The sad and wonderful thing is that as I grew, my understanding of love came only from the connection that was between just two little girls.  It’s hard to imagine, but I have no memories of any of those moments where I was held and loved by a parent.  While I had caregivers and people who loved me, I have no idea what it means to have a mom and/or a dad.  I never had the opportunity to crawl into my parent’s bed to be comforted during a storm, or snuggled after a scary dream.   So instead of building a relationship with non-existent parents, the connection between Michelle and I grew with each moment shared by holding hands and loving each other unconditionally.

In my attempt to create a world for future children, I have one purpose; to ensure that no child that ever enters our lives will question or doubt that they are loved.  So, with that purpose I have learned to communicate and fight fairly, so that children will see that despite becoming upset with one another, John and I still love each other; I have learned to take care of myself by making time for things that I enjoy; I have learned to appreciate and understand the strengths of the man standing next to me and most recently I have begun learning to let go, something I imagine every parent needs to do.

When John and I started looking to buy a house I was picturing our children in it.  In fact, one house we looked at numerous times before finally putting in an offer had almost everything on our wish-list.  But, I remember saying to John each time we looked at it that I was worried about the location of the stairs as I could see our children chasing each other or the dog and the thought of them falling frightened me.  While John may have told me not to worry about children we didn’t have yet, he was imagining himself and a son or two kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard.  Because the positioning of the stairs could be fixed and the yard was determined big enough to play soccer, we bought the house.

And one day this house will be filled with a child or two.  Children that we will love, cuddle and whisper I love you in the dark and in those moments we will create for them memories of pure unconditional love.