One Day

A message to the little girl who doubts herself, the woman who demands more of herself and one day – the woman who believes in herself.

One day, you will see the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.  You are already getting so close.  One day you will overpower the doubt that has set up camp inside your head.  One day you will live, love and feel and be utterly transformed.  One day you will find yourself without the hurt and shame.  You will have worked through the stuff that keeps you stuck and let go of all the crap you’ve forced yourself to carry, which belongs to someone else.  One day you will live in the world you created, it will be caring and just and wonderful.  That world will also be scary and unknown, but every moment will be worth it.  One day you will stand up for your rights and believe that you deserve the very best.  One day you will allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love.  One day you will finally trust yourself enough to put your need in the hands of another person and they will take care of your heart.   In time you will share your story and your strength will be admired.  Today, you will continue to take steps toward one day.  Know that you were loved, are loved, and most certainly will be loved.

Saying yes to FOREVER!

“Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.”

Recently, I said yes to the man I love, the man who has travelled many roads by my side.  In our life together thus far, we have grown into ourselves, into each other.  As we begin to plan a wedding celebration of our love, I know this marriage will be different than the fairy tale every little girl imagines for herself.

As I walk toward John to become his wife, I won’t be guided by a father.  But, I won’t be walking alone.  My twin sister will take my hand in hers and take those steps with me.  This won’t be our first walk together, as we have shared many journeys hand in hand.  Michelle is the one other person before John with whom I entrusted with my deepest pain and my greatest joy.  Five months from now, Michelle will officially share that with John as he pledges to continue to love me with abandon and without conditions as we learn and lead each other throughout our life together.

There won’t be a mother of the bride, but there will be six beautiful women standing next to me.  Each of those women have at many different times held my hand when I was lost, wiped a tear when I was sad, laughed when I was joyful and supported me along my journey.  These women are not described just as friends, they have become my family.  So, despite the things that won’t be there on my wedding day, the things that I hold dear will be; my friends, my family and the man that I love with my whole heart.
The greatest excitement that I hold for that day is the moment in which John and I will express our deepest love for each other in the presence of our beautiful family.  I don’t know what it will feel like to see him walking toward me as I take steps toward him on that crisp afternoon but I imagine there will be tears.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve years since we first walked toward one another.  I look forward to many steps toward each other and along-side each other after we promise FOREVER.

Is life about the promise of tomorrow or the intention of today?

"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."

Not that long ago I held on fast to the belief, that if I worked hard enough and focused all of my energy on what I wanted in my future, it would eventually come true for me.  But along the way, things had taken place that were not part of the plan I had created for myself.  It seemed that the faster I chased my dream, the further it got away from me.

Then came a time when I stopped for a moment and looked around.  I was lost.  I suddenly realised that in all the time I had spent chasing something, I had begun to lose the centre of it all – my sense of self.  In that moment of appraisal I began to consider the route toward my destiny.  I began to wonder if the preparing, worrying and setting things up for tomorrow was actually preventing the creation of my future.

Today as I stand back and reflect, I am amazed.  Many years ago I had altered the route I was travelling.  As it turns out, the road I have travelled since then has been filled with lessons, losses, beauty, fear, friendship and love.  All greater experiences than I had imagined for myself.

Consider yourself for a moment.  Rather than constantly evaluating, allow yourself the abandon to let go of the desire to have your tomorrow as you planned and live in your intention for today.

Life happens between the moments you planned and the ones you didn't...

“Life was what happened when all the what-if’s didn’t, when what you dreamed or hoped or – in this case – feared might come to pass, passed by instead. ”  - Jodi Picoult

I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  So many moments have occurred in my life; moments that have led me in the direction that I was going and other moments that set me off on an entirely new path.  Looking back, I have noticed something.  It seems that the moments that led me in a different direction than I had planned were pretty remarkable ones.  Some of the moments were difficult and emotionally draining experiences but my evolution of self as a result is remarkable. 

2007 was a year that my whole world turned on its axis.  The person that I was becoming was interrupted and almost forsaken.  I made mistakes, I hurt people and in the end I was stronger, smarter and more insightful.  Those moments enabled me to stand up for my desires and wants and I learned to love myself for who I was, which enabled love to flourish around me.  Finally, I had shed the little-girl armour that had prevented me from letting others in.  I unlocked my voice and more importantly I believed in that voice. 

In 2011 again my world shifted, this time was different.  I was scared, absolutely terrified by the thought of losing the most incredible, loving man I have ever known.  For a woman who grew up being left behind by so many people these moments were both trying and difficult.  This journey in sickness and health became a life lesson for me.  I was reminded that nothing is as important as health, love and letting go.  That early morning in February was the beginning of a series of events that lead to multi-faceted growth within my foundation of self.  That morning woke up the woman inside me who had the desire to live a true life.  In living true, I believe life is about living in the moment, about being really present and living up to the only expectations that matter- your own, and only the realistic ones. 

It became my mission to solidify my foundation of self so that in any future times of trouble or distress my sense of being wouldn’t falter.  I wanted to know what I needed in order to cope, what I needed to do to take care of myself before taking on the needs of another.  In this foundation building my greatest achievement was allowing myself to put my needs ahead of all others.  I learned that doing so is not selfish, but necessary.  Letting go became the ticket to putting myself first.  I became more invested in my own needs and gave little power to the needs and expectations that existed outside of my own.

Life has taught me that the life we plan isn’t always the life we are meant to live and that’s ok.  Life is about loving the moments and sharing the love in those moments with the people around you that really matter.

Authenticity – The centre of your universe!

“There’s always going to be bad stuff out there.  But, here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness every time.” – Jodi Picoult

Recently a series of events left me questioning my role and had me wavering in doubt of my ability to cope.  I was not sure if I could maintain the strength of the person I had become with the values and morals I had built into my foundation of self.  How could I still be that person and know that things that I believed to be unfair, wrong and unjust were happening around me.  How could I just stand by and not be overcome?  I thought that in order to cope I would have to separate and alter my ego in order to remove myself of the responsibility. 

There are incidents that have occurred in my past which caused me to pick up and carry on.  In order to carry on, at times I had to put on a brave face.  In that pick-up and carry-on way of doing things, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  It felt like I was altering my sense of self, even just a little in order to manage.  In the past few years, I have worked very hard to revolutionize my authenticity.  We all want to be who we are, in every moment no matter the circumstance.  If that is true, why do we find ourselves forcing a smile onto our face and pressuring on.  What’s the shame in saying; no it’s too much, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me?  It is not wrong to stand up and say no, but it is hard.  It is also not wrong to pick-up and carry-on.  And it doesn’t mean you are any less or an alternative version of yourself.

I believe that to be authentic it is to be true to my feelings as well as my expectations.  In the past months I have realised how to strengthen the integrity of my foundation and to remain whole in my existence amongst the good and the bad.  I have realized that I am not responsible for the doings of others.  Just because I have seen actions and behaviours that I would not do myself does not mean that I sanction those behaviours.  Even in the moments or circumstance of wrongdoing the only power I have is to continue to be righteous in my foundation of self.  I cannot control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of another.

So, my new way of being is about being who I desire to be in each and every moment and never requiring myself to alter my foundation of self as a means of coping.  Authenticity is knowing where you end and another begins.  It’s the awareness of self in relation to the needs, wants, desires and expectations of others.  It’s about believing in your judgement and understanding that which occurs outside of self needn’t become who you are.

 

The Secrets that bind us...

“No matter what you do in your life, what you create, what career you have, whether you have a family or make lots of money; your greatest creation is always going to be your life’s story” – Jonathan Harris

We all have a story, for some it’s stored in a box on a shelf, neatly organized among the other parts of our history.  For others it’s buried deep beneath everything else, rarely looked at.  But for some that story becomes a secret, its memory and pure existence hidden from most of the people in our life.  Sometimes the shame attached to that story gives us the reason to deny the reality of it ever happening.  So, we begin by doing little things to ignore it or refuse it.  Sadly we sometimes lose sight of its power to motivate or strengthen us.

The beauty of that story or secret is that despite our belief of being alone in its experience we are not.  Someone somewhere has travelled a similar road or shared a comparable sadness.  I believe that secrets are deeply rooted in our foundation of self.  Sometimes they break us down, but more often, they build us up. 

The beautiful thing of humanity is that we are born into a community of similar beings.  We were never meant to live alone, nor should we struggle alone.  To be human is to share with another the story of ourselves, even the secrets, especially the secrets.  These stories speak to our ability to feel, to our limitless existence, and our ability to persevere in the face of adversity. 

There is a true strength and an admirable notion to the person who shares each part of self, even the parts that are tarnished, bruised or broken.  Because the beauty of humanity isn’t about being perfect it’s about being honest to your experience.

Attachment - the deepest roots in the foundation of self...

"Children need at least one person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally."  - Pam Leo

Recently, I listened to a child psychologist speak about attachment, specifically in children.  He expressed that those little ones who didn’t get the opportunity to build strong connections to an adult caregiver, were more often than not doomed.  In other words, their likelihood to survive was limited and their life was sure to be marked with maladaptive behaviour, pain and more often than not mental illness.  As I looked around the room at the pediatric residents, I realized that I was an outlier.  For one, I was the only social worker in the room but more remarkably, I was one of those children the psychologist had described as doomed. 

Attachment is core to our human existence.  It’s the power that unites each one of us with at least one other person from the moment we are born.  A secure attachment requires a caregiver who meets the needs of an infant as it evolves into a toddler, into a child, into an adolescent and throughout the life of an adult.  I believe that attachment is deeply rooted in the foundation of self.  If a child learns early on that his cries in expression of a need are not met by the comfort and caring of an adult caregiver, he soon learns that the world is a scary place where he is alone.  However, if a child’s cries are met with the love and support of a caregiver, he learns that the world is safe and he gradually seeks to meet his own needs in time.

As a baby my sister and I would cry out and more often than not, our needs were not met by the adult in the room.  But, a powerful secure attachment between two tiny babies was created.  I believe it is that secure attachment that lead to not only our survival but our ability to excel as our lives evolved from a scared, innocent child into an aware, experienced adult. 

Attachment isn’t just about meeting the needs of a screaming child.  It’s really about the foundation of self that is created in those moments of need, leaving the child with the belief that he matters and that he is loved.  Even as an adult, we continue to have the deep desire to know we are loved and that we matter.  In the search for continued reassurance of that, we seek out an attachment that keeps us deeply rooted in our foundation of self.