First comes love...then comes marriage

In a week, my life will change.  I have heard of others who move from sharing a significant relationship to marriage, say nothing changes.  I don’t believe that will be the case for us. 

Marriage for myself and my soon-to-be-husband, isn’t just about a piece of paper, it’s a commitment that embodies where we have been alone, together and where we are going.  It values the work we have done to create and encourage a relationship that believes love doesn’t come easy and that marriage is about hard work.

Throughout the span of twelve years we have learned what it takes to make a commitment like marriage work.  In, the beginning we had no idea.  Now we know.  We know that it’s hard.  We know that it is worth it.  We know that a partnership like a marriage doesn’t mean everything is 50-50; Sometimes its 100-100, 90-10, 70-30.  We know that bad things happen, that there is often struggle.  But there is also great joy, love and trust that develop exponentially out of those moments and many others.  We know what it feels like to have someone to believe in your dreams and more importantly, to support you through them.

So, in a week my husband-to-be and I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage with a ceremony that reflects our lives, our belief in each other and the promise of tomorrow.  This special day will be shared with persons with whom we share our lives, the good times and the bad times.
The specialness of our marriage will not dissipate as the celebration ends.  It will continue to add sparkle to the special moments, strength in our times of need, and love always.

A baby without a birth story

“Sometimes the story that is written is done so by no one other than you.”

Almost everyone one you know can retell a story about their birth, or a moment that occurred shortly thereafter.  Of course these individuals have no true recollection of that memory, but it has been etched into their mind as a result of hearing the story time and time again. 

At the age of twelve, eighteen, twenty-five and twenty-seven, I asked about the details of my story.  But the answers never came.  Of course I have a birth story, but I have never heard it.  I don’t know what it was like for my birth mother to carry not one, but two 7lb babies to term.  I don’t know how the day of our birth began or who was there by her side.  All I know is that I was born first of a set of twins, with Michelle arriving shortly after my entrance into the world.

The story I really wanted to hear was what led me into a life of foster-care and crown-wardship.  Each time I asked all I ever heard was silence.  The closest I ever came to an answer was at the age of twenty-seven.  This time I was in pursuit of answers and  I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way.  I was very specific this time around.  I asked to see the documents related to the court proceedings that led the decision of my becoming a crown-ward at four years old. 

At that time I had been in contact with a half-brother (whom I have never met) via Facebook.  That Facebook connection led me in the direction of my birth father.  I attempted to get information about my beginning from him, but again those attempts failed.  Despite my insistence and determination I stood again in the moment of not-knowing. Access into my own story, was once again denied.

So, amidst my numerous attempts at becoming informed of my circumstances early in life, I took on the responsibility of creating my own story.  That story does not begin at the moment of my birth, nor the nine months previous, or the years earlier when my birth parents met and their life together began. 

I realise that I may never get the answers that I want, nor will I get the answers that I deserve.  But, I am still deeply rooted in my foundation of self because despite what isn’t there, what will never be there I am still someone.  I was never a daughter.  But I am a sister.  I will be a wife and one day I will be a mother.

 

One Day

A message to the little girl who doubts herself, the woman who demands more of herself and one day – the woman who believes in herself.

One day, you will see the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.  You are already getting so close.  One day you will overpower the doubt that has set up camp inside your head.  One day you will live, love and feel and be utterly transformed.  One day you will find yourself without the hurt and shame.  You will have worked through the stuff that keeps you stuck and let go of all the crap you’ve forced yourself to carry, which belongs to someone else.  One day you will live in the world you created, it will be caring and just and wonderful.  That world will also be scary and unknown, but every moment will be worth it.  One day you will stand up for your rights and believe that you deserve the very best.  One day you will allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love.  One day you will finally trust yourself enough to put your need in the hands of another person and they will take care of your heart.   In time you will share your story and your strength will be admired.  Today, you will continue to take steps toward one day.  Know that you were loved, are loved, and most certainly will be loved.

Saying yes to FOREVER!

“Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.”

Recently, I said yes to the man I love, the man who has travelled many roads by my side.  In our life together thus far, we have grown into ourselves, into each other.  As we begin to plan a wedding celebration of our love, I know this marriage will be different than the fairy tale every little girl imagines for herself.

As I walk toward John to become his wife, I won’t be guided by a father.  But, I won’t be walking alone.  My twin sister will take my hand in hers and take those steps with me.  This won’t be our first walk together, as we have shared many journeys hand in hand.  Michelle is the one other person before John with whom I entrusted with my deepest pain and my greatest joy.  Five months from now, Michelle will officially share that with John as he pledges to continue to love me with abandon and without conditions as we learn and lead each other throughout our life together.

There won’t be a mother of the bride, but there will be six beautiful women standing next to me.  Each of those women have at many different times held my hand when I was lost, wiped a tear when I was sad, laughed when I was joyful and supported me along my journey.  These women are not described just as friends, they have become my family.  So, despite the things that won’t be there on my wedding day, the things that I hold dear will be; my friends, my family and the man that I love with my whole heart.
The greatest excitement that I hold for that day is the moment in which John and I will express our deepest love for each other in the presence of our beautiful family.  I don’t know what it will feel like to see him walking toward me as I take steps toward him on that crisp afternoon but I imagine there will be tears.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve years since we first walked toward one another.  I look forward to many steps toward each other and along-side each other after we promise FOREVER.

Is life about the promise of tomorrow or the intention of today?

"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."

Not that long ago I held on fast to the belief, that if I worked hard enough and focused all of my energy on what I wanted in my future, it would eventually come true for me.  But along the way, things had taken place that were not part of the plan I had created for myself.  It seemed that the faster I chased my dream, the further it got away from me.

Then came a time when I stopped for a moment and looked around.  I was lost.  I suddenly realised that in all the time I had spent chasing something, I had begun to lose the centre of it all – my sense of self.  In that moment of appraisal I began to consider the route toward my destiny.  I began to wonder if the preparing, worrying and setting things up for tomorrow was actually preventing the creation of my future.

Today as I stand back and reflect, I am amazed.  Many years ago I had altered the route I was travelling.  As it turns out, the road I have travelled since then has been filled with lessons, losses, beauty, fear, friendship and love.  All greater experiences than I had imagined for myself.

Consider yourself for a moment.  Rather than constantly evaluating, allow yourself the abandon to let go of the desire to have your tomorrow as you planned and live in your intention for today.

Life happens between the moments you planned and the ones you didn't...

“Life was what happened when all the what-if’s didn’t, when what you dreamed or hoped or – in this case – feared might come to pass, passed by instead. ”  - Jodi Picoult

I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  So many moments have occurred in my life; moments that have led me in the direction that I was going and other moments that set me off on an entirely new path.  Looking back, I have noticed something.  It seems that the moments that led me in a different direction than I had planned were pretty remarkable ones.  Some of the moments were difficult and emotionally draining experiences but my evolution of self as a result is remarkable. 

2007 was a year that my whole world turned on its axis.  The person that I was becoming was interrupted and almost forsaken.  I made mistakes, I hurt people and in the end I was stronger, smarter and more insightful.  Those moments enabled me to stand up for my desires and wants and I learned to love myself for who I was, which enabled love to flourish around me.  Finally, I had shed the little-girl armour that had prevented me from letting others in.  I unlocked my voice and more importantly I believed in that voice. 

In 2011 again my world shifted, this time was different.  I was scared, absolutely terrified by the thought of losing the most incredible, loving man I have ever known.  For a woman who grew up being left behind by so many people these moments were both trying and difficult.  This journey in sickness and health became a life lesson for me.  I was reminded that nothing is as important as health, love and letting go.  That early morning in February was the beginning of a series of events that lead to multi-faceted growth within my foundation of self.  That morning woke up the woman inside me who had the desire to live a true life.  In living true, I believe life is about living in the moment, about being really present and living up to the only expectations that matter- your own, and only the realistic ones. 

It became my mission to solidify my foundation of self so that in any future times of trouble or distress my sense of being wouldn’t falter.  I wanted to know what I needed in order to cope, what I needed to do to take care of myself before taking on the needs of another.  In this foundation building my greatest achievement was allowing myself to put my needs ahead of all others.  I learned that doing so is not selfish, but necessary.  Letting go became the ticket to putting myself first.  I became more invested in my own needs and gave little power to the needs and expectations that existed outside of my own.

Life has taught me that the life we plan isn’t always the life we are meant to live and that’s ok.  Life is about loving the moments and sharing the love in those moments with the people around you that really matter.

Authenticity – The centre of your universe!

“There’s always going to be bad stuff out there.  But, here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness every time.” – Jodi Picoult

Recently a series of events left me questioning my role and had me wavering in doubt of my ability to cope.  I was not sure if I could maintain the strength of the person I had become with the values and morals I had built into my foundation of self.  How could I still be that person and know that things that I believed to be unfair, wrong and unjust were happening around me.  How could I just stand by and not be overcome?  I thought that in order to cope I would have to separate and alter my ego in order to remove myself of the responsibility. 

There are incidents that have occurred in my past which caused me to pick up and carry on.  In order to carry on, at times I had to put on a brave face.  In that pick-up and carry-on way of doing things, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  It felt like I was altering my sense of self, even just a little in order to manage.  In the past few years, I have worked very hard to revolutionize my authenticity.  We all want to be who we are, in every moment no matter the circumstance.  If that is true, why do we find ourselves forcing a smile onto our face and pressuring on.  What’s the shame in saying; no it’s too much, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me?  It is not wrong to stand up and say no, but it is hard.  It is also not wrong to pick-up and carry-on.  And it doesn’t mean you are any less or an alternative version of yourself.

I believe that to be authentic it is to be true to my feelings as well as my expectations.  In the past months I have realised how to strengthen the integrity of my foundation and to remain whole in my existence amongst the good and the bad.  I have realized that I am not responsible for the doings of others.  Just because I have seen actions and behaviours that I would not do myself does not mean that I sanction those behaviours.  Even in the moments or circumstance of wrongdoing the only power I have is to continue to be righteous in my foundation of self.  I cannot control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of another.

So, my new way of being is about being who I desire to be in each and every moment and never requiring myself to alter my foundation of self as a means of coping.  Authenticity is knowing where you end and another begins.  It’s the awareness of self in relation to the needs, wants, desires and expectations of others.  It’s about believing in your judgement and understanding that which occurs outside of self needn’t become who you are.