What builds a relationship?

"We all want to believe that love is this magical thing that fixes our problems and makes things perfect.  We look for the love that we see in the movies and fall for Hollywood's lies.  But the truth is, love will never be like that.  Love is something you have to work at and fight for.  It's not always pretty and it's definitely not magic, because even love cannot keep two people together if they don't try."  - Unknown

In the past few months I have had similar conversations with a couple of my dearest friends about what it takes to be in a relationship.  So, what does it take?  So often we talk about what we need from the other person; honesty, trustworthiness, respect and love.  We usually want someone to listen or to help us with our problems and of course they should to know which one to do depending on the situation.

But is that really it or realistic?  I think having a relationship requires more.  More from me.  More from you.  If I am really committed to building up and maintaining my foundation of self I am going to have to work hard at the relationships in my life. (Check out an earlier blog where I explain what I mean by foundation of self - http://foundationofself.blogspot.ca/2012/02/what-creates-foundation.html )

Relationships demand more, they don’t simply just happen.  Relationships require a lot of work, from all parties involved.  I am no expert, but I am beginning to learn that an honest to goodness relationship, with ourselves; with our husband, wife, friend, boss, co-worker, and our children calls on a commitment to deal with our crap.  All that stuff we have been carrying around since forever.  You know what stuff I mean.  That bag you often keep hidden.  For some of us it’s big and some of us it’s small, even so it’s heavy.

All of our relationships – the ones that really matter should be a place where we feel safe and comfortable so that we might unpack some of that stuff and let that other person see it.  We should be able to share how carrying all that crap makes us feel each and every day.  We need to share how hard it was to see or hear or believe, so then we can put it to rest in the storage of our hearts, minds and our memories.

Imagine your life; if this was the way you lived; surrounding yourself with relationships that allowed you to be honest, how much lighter would your load be?

Even though we think we have sorted through all of our crap and figured how to neatly pack it away, rather than lug it around all day, it’s never really gone.  In life, things happen that often require us to unpack, reorganize, sort and sometimes purge the stuff we had already thought we dealt with.

So, in those moments that shake you to your core, moments of change and uncertainty; allow yourself the time to process your thoughts and feelings.  You are not weak.  Permit yourself to be strong.  Be brave, share the messiness with someone you love, who cares about you.  Build up your foundation!

Sometimes the reasons to do something become the reasons we don't do something...

Ohana means family.  Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. – Lilo & Stitch

In March of this year I was married – to a very special man; a man whom I have been deeply in love with for well over a decade.  Our marriage for me became a permanent structure in my foundation of family.  Our commitment to one another and our relationship laid the groundwork for other aspects of our lives and for our future.

I looked forward to many parts of our marriage.  I had yearned for the day when I could say “my husband” for the sole purpose of saying those words.  But more than that, I couldn’t wait to change my last name.  This common action after marriage was something I had thought about at great length.  As much as I am proud of the strong, independent and caring person I had become under my birth name I was ready to let it go.  I had no interest in carrying on a family name that had not met my definition of family.  So, I set to apply to change my name as soon as it was possible after our wedding.

Then I researched my options. Many, who marry choose to assume the last name of their spouse or to hyphenate their own last name with that of their spouse.  But there was another option.  I could legally change my name.  This is what I thought I wanted to do.  But I learned that it meant I would alter the name on my birth certificate.  I would alter the record of my birth.  This is where things didn’t seem to fit any longer.   As much as I didn’t feel the desire to carry on this family name I didn’t want to erase it either.  I was born a twin and that was enough for me to keep even a small tie to my birth name. 

John and I are family.  Michelle and I are family.  We are a family together; sitting side-by-side in my own foundation of family.  So while my new last name will reflect the special bond John and I share, my unaltered birth certificate will continue to reflect the special bond between myself and my beautiful twin sister, who all alone for many years defined the meaning of family.

Self-acceptance - A building block in the foundation of self.

"For once, you believed in yourself.  You believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world." - Sarah Dessen

I have written a number of blogs about the foundation of self.  In my journey of self-exploration and the appraisal of my own self-doubt I have learned a great deal about myself as well as the things that keep us stuck; Stuck in the moments that make us sad, fight for control or leave us feeling lost and alone.  Building my foundation of self has been about grounding myself in the belief that I have the ultimate power to be happy or sad, healthy or sick, to be in control or to live with purpose; despite all that surrounds me. 

Because of that personal power, I know that I am not a structure that stands alone.  My life became a neighborhood, streets lined with buildings and foundations.  Some stand strong and tall, others have burned to the ground while others are replacing bits and pieces of their own foundation.  Through my exploring and developing my foundation of self, I realized that I play a role in the structures that buy up the real estate in my life. 

I may not always have the power or control around who comes into my life – but I do have the power to decide how much a part of my life they become.  One of the greatest examples of harnessing this internal power is my commitment to self-acceptance.  In doing so it meant giving up the beliefs and the focus on how others might judge me.  Can you imagine your life when you don’t worry about what other people think?  It was exhilarating to be making decisions based on what I truly wanted. 

Once I started living from a place for me, designed by me.  I started to realise that the power and level of importance I had put on what others might think was allowing unhealthy people to move into my neighborhood and influence my life even more.

So taking a walk through my neighborhood allowed me the opportunity to see the beauty and potential of the structures that currently existed there.  As my intention shifted to a place of self-acceptance from my previous critical self, the landscaping and curb appeal of my neighborhood also changed.  It began to boast beauty, strength and resilience.

Consider the world you have created for yourself, street by street.  Life on the side of the fence that boasts self-acceptance is a place where self-love flourishes.

And I thought I loved you then

About a week before the date of our wedding, I was in the car driving to work and this song came on the radio. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AtaZ_NU_tU )  It was one I had only heard a few times, never before John brought it to my attention in the weeks leading up to our wedding.  The moment I heard the song and listened to the lyrics it brought tears to my eyes.  Needless to say that sunny morning I found myself bawling on my way to work.  I was picturing myself walking down the aisle toward a man who time and time again has told me how much he loves me.

The next week on a sunny afternoon John and I heard this song together along with 65 of the most special people in our lives.

“I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you…I hadn’t told you yet, I thought I loved you then.  Now you’re my whole life…We’ve come so far since that day and I thought I loved you then…”

This song spoke about our love in volumes.  It described a love that grew over time; a love that existed almost immediately and surpassed its own expectations time and time again.

On a fall day in September of 2000 John and I met and that day I had a feeling we would share something very special.  Our lives took many turns, and beyond each bend we looked back and saw the moments in which our love flourished.  I am not saying our journey was perfect.  There were times that were not just difficult they were down-right HARD.

So nearly 13 years later on March 16, 2013 John and I shared our vows to each other amidst the love of friends and family.   These words are the lyrics of our own love story.

I promise to support you and to encourage you.

I promise to fight with you but to never walk away.

I love that you want to change the world for the better one day at a time.

I promise to put us first always.

I will tell you that I love you each day.

I vow to take risks with you and never settle for less than we deserve.

These vows were promises we made to each other promises that said to each other that I (we) will do what we need to do to ensure that when we look back we will say “I thought I loved you then”.

First comes love...then comes marriage

In a week, my life will change.  I have heard of others who move from sharing a significant relationship to marriage, say nothing changes.  I don’t believe that will be the case for us. 

Marriage for myself and my soon-to-be-husband, isn’t just about a piece of paper, it’s a commitment that embodies where we have been alone, together and where we are going.  It values the work we have done to create and encourage a relationship that believes love doesn’t come easy and that marriage is about hard work.

Throughout the span of twelve years we have learned what it takes to make a commitment like marriage work.  In, the beginning we had no idea.  Now we know.  We know that it’s hard.  We know that it is worth it.  We know that a partnership like a marriage doesn’t mean everything is 50-50; Sometimes its 100-100, 90-10, 70-30.  We know that bad things happen, that there is often struggle.  But there is also great joy, love and trust that develop exponentially out of those moments and many others.  We know what it feels like to have someone to believe in your dreams and more importantly, to support you through them.

So, in a week my husband-to-be and I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage with a ceremony that reflects our lives, our belief in each other and the promise of tomorrow.  This special day will be shared with persons with whom we share our lives, the good times and the bad times.
The specialness of our marriage will not dissipate as the celebration ends.  It will continue to add sparkle to the special moments, strength in our times of need, and love always.

A baby without a birth story

“Sometimes the story that is written is done so by no one other than you.”

Almost everyone one you know can retell a story about their birth, or a moment that occurred shortly thereafter.  Of course these individuals have no true recollection of that memory, but it has been etched into their mind as a result of hearing the story time and time again. 

At the age of twelve, eighteen, twenty-five and twenty-seven, I asked about the details of my story.  But the answers never came.  Of course I have a birth story, but I have never heard it.  I don’t know what it was like for my birth mother to carry not one, but two 7lb babies to term.  I don’t know how the day of our birth began or who was there by her side.  All I know is that I was born first of a set of twins, with Michelle arriving shortly after my entrance into the world.

The story I really wanted to hear was what led me into a life of foster-care and crown-wardship.  Each time I asked all I ever heard was silence.  The closest I ever came to an answer was at the age of twenty-seven.  This time I was in pursuit of answers and  I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way.  I was very specific this time around.  I asked to see the documents related to the court proceedings that led the decision of my becoming a crown-ward at four years old. 

At that time I had been in contact with a half-brother (whom I have never met) via Facebook.  That Facebook connection led me in the direction of my birth father.  I attempted to get information about my beginning from him, but again those attempts failed.  Despite my insistence and determination I stood again in the moment of not-knowing. Access into my own story, was once again denied.

So, amidst my numerous attempts at becoming informed of my circumstances early in life, I took on the responsibility of creating my own story.  That story does not begin at the moment of my birth, nor the nine months previous, or the years earlier when my birth parents met and their life together began. 

I realise that I may never get the answers that I want, nor will I get the answers that I deserve.  But, I am still deeply rooted in my foundation of self because despite what isn’t there, what will never be there I am still someone.  I was never a daughter.  But I am a sister.  I will be a wife and one day I will be a mother.

 

One Day

A message to the little girl who doubts herself, the woman who demands more of herself and one day – the woman who believes in herself.

One day, you will see the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.  You are already getting so close.  One day you will overpower the doubt that has set up camp inside your head.  One day you will live, love and feel and be utterly transformed.  One day you will find yourself without the hurt and shame.  You will have worked through the stuff that keeps you stuck and let go of all the crap you’ve forced yourself to carry, which belongs to someone else.  One day you will live in the world you created, it will be caring and just and wonderful.  That world will also be scary and unknown, but every moment will be worth it.  One day you will stand up for your rights and believe that you deserve the very best.  One day you will allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love.  One day you will finally trust yourself enough to put your need in the hands of another person and they will take care of your heart.   In time you will share your story and your strength will be admired.  Today, you will continue to take steps toward one day.  Know that you were loved, are loved, and most certainly will be loved.

Saying yes to FOREVER!

“Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.”

Recently, I said yes to the man I love, the man who has travelled many roads by my side.  In our life together thus far, we have grown into ourselves, into each other.  As we begin to plan a wedding celebration of our love, I know this marriage will be different than the fairy tale every little girl imagines for herself.

As I walk toward John to become his wife, I won’t be guided by a father.  But, I won’t be walking alone.  My twin sister will take my hand in hers and take those steps with me.  This won’t be our first walk together, as we have shared many journeys hand in hand.  Michelle is the one other person before John with whom I entrusted with my deepest pain and my greatest joy.  Five months from now, Michelle will officially share that with John as he pledges to continue to love me with abandon and without conditions as we learn and lead each other throughout our life together.

There won’t be a mother of the bride, but there will be six beautiful women standing next to me.  Each of those women have at many different times held my hand when I was lost, wiped a tear when I was sad, laughed when I was joyful and supported me along my journey.  These women are not described just as friends, they have become my family.  So, despite the things that won’t be there on my wedding day, the things that I hold dear will be; my friends, my family and the man that I love with my whole heart.
The greatest excitement that I hold for that day is the moment in which John and I will express our deepest love for each other in the presence of our beautiful family.  I don’t know what it will feel like to see him walking toward me as I take steps toward him on that crisp afternoon but I imagine there will be tears.  It’s hard to believe that it has been twelve years since we first walked toward one another.  I look forward to many steps toward each other and along-side each other after we promise FOREVER.

Is life about the promise of tomorrow or the intention of today?

"When you relinquish the desire to control your future, you obtain happiness."

Not that long ago I held on fast to the belief, that if I worked hard enough and focused all of my energy on what I wanted in my future, it would eventually come true for me.  But along the way, things had taken place that were not part of the plan I had created for myself.  It seemed that the faster I chased my dream, the further it got away from me.

Then came a time when I stopped for a moment and looked around.  I was lost.  I suddenly realised that in all the time I had spent chasing something, I had begun to lose the centre of it all – my sense of self.  In that moment of appraisal I began to consider the route toward my destiny.  I began to wonder if the preparing, worrying and setting things up for tomorrow was actually preventing the creation of my future.

Today as I stand back and reflect, I am amazed.  Many years ago I had altered the route I was travelling.  As it turns out, the road I have travelled since then has been filled with lessons, losses, beauty, fear, friendship and love.  All greater experiences than I had imagined for myself.

Consider yourself for a moment.  Rather than constantly evaluating, allow yourself the abandon to let go of the desire to have your tomorrow as you planned and live in your intention for today.

Life happens between the moments you planned and the ones you didn't...

“Life was what happened when all the what-if’s didn’t, when what you dreamed or hoped or – in this case – feared might come to pass, passed by instead. ”  - Jodi Picoult

I am feeling a bit nostalgic lately.  So many moments have occurred in my life; moments that have led me in the direction that I was going and other moments that set me off on an entirely new path.  Looking back, I have noticed something.  It seems that the moments that led me in a different direction than I had planned were pretty remarkable ones.  Some of the moments were difficult and emotionally draining experiences but my evolution of self as a result is remarkable. 

2007 was a year that my whole world turned on its axis.  The person that I was becoming was interrupted and almost forsaken.  I made mistakes, I hurt people and in the end I was stronger, smarter and more insightful.  Those moments enabled me to stand up for my desires and wants and I learned to love myself for who I was, which enabled love to flourish around me.  Finally, I had shed the little-girl armour that had prevented me from letting others in.  I unlocked my voice and more importantly I believed in that voice. 

In 2011 again my world shifted, this time was different.  I was scared, absolutely terrified by the thought of losing the most incredible, loving man I have ever known.  For a woman who grew up being left behind by so many people these moments were both trying and difficult.  This journey in sickness and health became a life lesson for me.  I was reminded that nothing is as important as health, love and letting go.  That early morning in February was the beginning of a series of events that lead to multi-faceted growth within my foundation of self.  That morning woke up the woman inside me who had the desire to live a true life.  In living true, I believe life is about living in the moment, about being really present and living up to the only expectations that matter- your own, and only the realistic ones. 

It became my mission to solidify my foundation of self so that in any future times of trouble or distress my sense of being wouldn’t falter.  I wanted to know what I needed in order to cope, what I needed to do to take care of myself before taking on the needs of another.  In this foundation building my greatest achievement was allowing myself to put my needs ahead of all others.  I learned that doing so is not selfish, but necessary.  Letting go became the ticket to putting myself first.  I became more invested in my own needs and gave little power to the needs and expectations that existed outside of my own.

Life has taught me that the life we plan isn’t always the life we are meant to live and that’s ok.  Life is about loving the moments and sharing the love in those moments with the people around you that really matter.

Authenticity – The centre of your universe!

“There’s always going to be bad stuff out there.  But, here’s the amazing thing – light trumps darkness every time.” – Jodi Picoult

Recently a series of events left me questioning my role and had me wavering in doubt of my ability to cope.  I was not sure if I could maintain the strength of the person I had become with the values and morals I had built into my foundation of self.  How could I still be that person and know that things that I believed to be unfair, wrong and unjust were happening around me.  How could I just stand by and not be overcome?  I thought that in order to cope I would have to separate and alter my ego in order to remove myself of the responsibility. 

There are incidents that have occurred in my past which caused me to pick up and carry on.  In order to carry on, at times I had to put on a brave face.  In that pick-up and carry-on way of doing things, I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth.  It felt like I was altering my sense of self, even just a little in order to manage.  In the past few years, I have worked very hard to revolutionize my authenticity.  We all want to be who we are, in every moment no matter the circumstance.  If that is true, why do we find ourselves forcing a smile onto our face and pressuring on.  What’s the shame in saying; no it’s too much, I can’t pretend this doesn’t affect me?  It is not wrong to stand up and say no, but it is hard.  It is also not wrong to pick-up and carry-on.  And it doesn’t mean you are any less or an alternative version of yourself.

I believe that to be authentic it is to be true to my feelings as well as my expectations.  In the past months I have realised how to strengthen the integrity of my foundation and to remain whole in my existence amongst the good and the bad.  I have realized that I am not responsible for the doings of others.  Just because I have seen actions and behaviours that I would not do myself does not mean that I sanction those behaviours.  Even in the moments or circumstance of wrongdoing the only power I have is to continue to be righteous in my foundation of self.  I cannot control the actions, thoughts and beliefs of another.

So, my new way of being is about being who I desire to be in each and every moment and never requiring myself to alter my foundation of self as a means of coping.  Authenticity is knowing where you end and another begins.  It’s the awareness of self in relation to the needs, wants, desires and expectations of others.  It’s about believing in your judgement and understanding that which occurs outside of self needn’t become who you are.

 

The Secrets that bind us...

“No matter what you do in your life, what you create, what career you have, whether you have a family or make lots of money; your greatest creation is always going to be your life’s story” – Jonathan Harris

We all have a story, for some it’s stored in a box on a shelf, neatly organized among the other parts of our history.  For others it’s buried deep beneath everything else, rarely looked at.  But for some that story becomes a secret, its memory and pure existence hidden from most of the people in our life.  Sometimes the shame attached to that story gives us the reason to deny the reality of it ever happening.  So, we begin by doing little things to ignore it or refuse it.  Sadly we sometimes lose sight of its power to motivate or strengthen us.

The beauty of that story or secret is that despite our belief of being alone in its experience we are not.  Someone somewhere has travelled a similar road or shared a comparable sadness.  I believe that secrets are deeply rooted in our foundation of self.  Sometimes they break us down, but more often, they build us up. 

The beautiful thing of humanity is that we are born into a community of similar beings.  We were never meant to live alone, nor should we struggle alone.  To be human is to share with another the story of ourselves, even the secrets, especially the secrets.  These stories speak to our ability to feel, to our limitless existence, and our ability to persevere in the face of adversity. 

There is a true strength and an admirable notion to the person who shares each part of self, even the parts that are tarnished, bruised or broken.  Because the beauty of humanity isn’t about being perfect it’s about being honest to your experience.

Attachment - the deepest roots in the foundation of self...

"Children need at least one person in their life who thinks the sun rises and sets on them, someone who delights in their existence and loves them unconditionally."  - Pam Leo

Recently, I listened to a child psychologist speak about attachment, specifically in children.  He expressed that those little ones who didn’t get the opportunity to build strong connections to an adult caregiver, were more often than not doomed.  In other words, their likelihood to survive was limited and their life was sure to be marked with maladaptive behaviour, pain and more often than not mental illness.  As I looked around the room at the pediatric residents, I realized that I was an outlier.  For one, I was the only social worker in the room but more remarkably, I was one of those children the psychologist had described as doomed. 

Attachment is core to our human existence.  It’s the power that unites each one of us with at least one other person from the moment we are born.  A secure attachment requires a caregiver who meets the needs of an infant as it evolves into a toddler, into a child, into an adolescent and throughout the life of an adult.  I believe that attachment is deeply rooted in the foundation of self.  If a child learns early on that his cries in expression of a need are not met by the comfort and caring of an adult caregiver, he soon learns that the world is a scary place where he is alone.  However, if a child’s cries are met with the love and support of a caregiver, he learns that the world is safe and he gradually seeks to meet his own needs in time.

As a baby my sister and I would cry out and more often than not, our needs were not met by the adult in the room.  But, a powerful secure attachment between two tiny babies was created.  I believe it is that secure attachment that lead to not only our survival but our ability to excel as our lives evolved from a scared, innocent child into an aware, experienced adult. 

Attachment isn’t just about meeting the needs of a screaming child.  It’s really about the foundation of self that is created in those moments of need, leaving the child with the belief that he matters and that he is loved.  Even as an adult, we continue to have the deep desire to know we are loved and that we matter.  In the search for continued reassurance of that, we seek out an attachment that keeps us deeply rooted in our foundation of self.

Awareness of self comes with age

 “Growing up isn’t about getting older, it’s about becoming someone.”

Last year at this time I was nearing my thirtieth birthday and was dreading it.   I kept thinking that despite the experiences I have had in my life I didn’t feel like I was thirty, and really, I didn’t want to be.  I guess it felt like this was the point of no return.  I would no longer be considered a young adult and the likelihood of being mistaken for a twenty-something would become rare.  So, on my thirtieth I announced that I was in fact turning twenty-five forever. 

But, now as the end of my thirtieth year approaches the desire to be twenty-five again is disappearing and being replaced with the honest-to-goodness reality, that I am no longer a young woman.  I am an adult, a beautiful woman who not only appreciates my experience but also the years I have lived on this earth.  I am learning to embrace the emerging grey hairs and the reality that as I age my body will change.  I am more grounded and self-aware than I ever could have been at twenty or twenty-five.  In my thirties I have learned about what I need to take care of myself and that it’s ok to take a break from my own expectations.  I have learned that love really is central to everything and so is healthy communication for that matter.  I have realised that having a spotless house doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  And no matter how hard I try to create change in someone else, the only change I really have power with is myself.  I have learned that the world is filled with both good and bad and in both instances I have an amazing group of friends, so close they are family to share it with.  The most refreshing thing learned in my thirties is to let go and just be, truly in the moment.

 I am still not exactly sure what I feared or dreaded when my biological clock flipped to thirty.  I imagine the dread might have had to do with thirty being the year I had previously created deadlines for myself.  At a much younger age, I had imagined myself to be married with children by the time I was thirty.  Now, as my life continues to move forward and I become another year older.  My hopes of marriage and baby haven’t disappeared in fact those hopes have evolved.  Now, I may not have a ring on my left ring finger or a baby at my breast.   But I have become a self who will succeed in both of those instances, more so than I imagine I might have at twenty or thirty.  So, turning thirty wasn’t so bad and turning thirty-one will be pretty great too as I continue to learn and grow into the beautiful woman who doesn’t just age but evolves year after year.

The Foundation of Family

"Wherever there is lasting love, there is a family."

Family isn’t just about who’s related and who isn’t.   Family is about love, support and acceptance.  It’s about taking care of one another and being strong when times are tough. Family is the foundation of our lives.  It is what we are born into and it is also what we create.  Family is there for the good and bad times, the struggles and the triumphs.  At the end of the day, family is often there when everything else falls away.

At various points in my life I have redefined my version of family which as a result has deepened the roots and overall integrity of my foundation.  For me, family is a multi-dimensional system, mainly one in which I have created.  Despite the lack or perhaps because of my limited birth family I have placed a great deal of importance on family.  I believe that as I have grown and matured my understanding of family flourished into a beautiful web of care and love grown out of intimate moments and friendship.   In the past year when John was sick our world shifted and I was lost.  But luckily with my family I was found.  And for that I am forever grateful.  Their strength, persistence and support not only helped our little family but it allowed me to evolve as an individual.  In the moments when I could ask for help they were there and more importantly, in the moments when the words to describe my needs couldn’t pass my lips they were there just the same.  Johns Mom, Dad and Step-mom were amazing as they were there in the moments of crisis and made our house not seem so big and empty while John stayed at the hospital for weeks.  Our neighbors walked and fed our dog, plowed our driveway and cut our lawn.  John’s coworkers sent flowers, movies and magazines to help us pass the time.  My work also sent flowers and a wonderful care package filled with all things necessary and useful while in hospital.  They also provided a great amount of food, which was very important for me at the beginning.   There were many friends who called, wrote and send positive thoughts our way.  Some friends came to visit after we had left the hospital and some brought us groceries for months.  In those months when life was a little too much and a bit overwhelming all of the important people who care were there and that is the true definition of family.

Be-coming a Mother...

“She was all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't.  Her hand, it fit mine.” – Jodi Picoult

I don’t currently have children, but one day I will.  In fact, I have never imagined a future where children don’t exist.  Being a mom isn’t something I aspire to be; it is something I am becoming.   When most little girls were pretending to play house with dolls, I was mothering my younger twin sister.

I cannot describe what it feels like to be held in a loving mother’s arms, but I hope at one point in my life I was and that I felt love.  I do know how it feels to reach out and grasp a small hand just like mine and to hear the little whispered I love you in our darkened bedroom.  The sad and wonderful thing is that as I grew, my understanding of love came only from the connection that was between just two little girls.  It’s hard to imagine, but I have no memories of any of those moments where I was held and loved by a parent.  While I had caregivers and people who loved me, I have no idea what it means to have a mom and/or a dad.  I never had the opportunity to crawl into my parent’s bed to be comforted during a storm, or snuggled after a scary dream.   So instead of building a relationship with non-existent parents, the connection between Michelle and I grew with each moment shared by holding hands and loving each other unconditionally.

In my attempt to create a world for future children, I have one purpose; to ensure that no child that ever enters our lives will question or doubt that they are loved.  So, with that purpose I have learned to communicate and fight fairly, so that children will see that despite becoming upset with one another, John and I still love each other; I have learned to take care of myself by making time for things that I enjoy; I have learned to appreciate and understand the strengths of the man standing next to me and most recently I have begun learning to let go, something I imagine every parent needs to do.

When John and I started looking to buy a house I was picturing our children in it.  In fact, one house we looked at numerous times before finally putting in an offer had almost everything on our wish-list.  But, I remember saying to John each time we looked at it that I was worried about the location of the stairs as I could see our children chasing each other or the dog and the thought of them falling frightened me.  While John may have told me not to worry about children we didn’t have yet, he was imagining himself and a son or two kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard.  Because the positioning of the stairs could be fixed and the yard was determined big enough to play soccer, we bought the house.

And one day this house will be filled with a child or two.  Children that we will love, cuddle and whisper I love you in the dark and in those moments we will create for them memories of pure unconditional love.

Expectations...the only ones you are required to live by, are your own.

“Expectations, they are all around us, they come from others, our environment and most of the time from ourselves.”

At the age of 19 it came time for me to leave the place that had been my version of home in search of a new place, and so I went far.  I travelled hundreds of kms away from the one person in the entire world I never wanted to leave.  Almost as much as I didn’t want to leave Michelle, I knew I couldn’t stay.  I needed another opportunity.  So, at a small university in a small northern town I set off on a journey with no connections to anyone.  Being alone gave me the chance to become my own version of self.   There was no one there who assumed to know who I was based on someone else’s story.  For once, it was my turn to write, and the next stories would be mine to tell.

This chance, this escape, was kind of like being reborn again with no expectations but more importantly with no judgements.  The self I presented to others didn’t get clouded by any part of my history that I didn’t want to be there.  As I travelled my journey in northern Ontario and into the rest of my life, I realised something.   While I had successfully left the physical beings that put me down and doubted my ability to achieve in my past, bits of their negativity had made its way into my future.  Some of what they had said had made their way into my head and I had translated them into my own inner voice. 

I lived with those voices for a long time.  Sometimes they told me that I wasn’t good enough, or laughed at me, and sometimes they screamed mean things that made me cry.  But no matter how loud the voices or the consistency of their message, my will was stronger and I believed in something else.  I believed that not only could I prove the voices wrong, but I could rid myself of them for good.

Ridding myself of the negative inner-critique wasn’t easy and at times there are moments still when I hear their faint whisper of doubt.  My will to out-speak the voices in my head was powerful, but it required me to not only to view myself in another way, but to also speak differently to myself.  So, I chose to internalise the kindness I gave to the world.  I was committed to caring for my spirit, my integrity and my inner beauty before giving anything up.

As I move through the years and the experiences in my life, I have built up an awareness of my inner self-talk, now I know which words are mine and which messages of doubt are someone else’s.  It is often said that awareness of a problem is always the first step.  I believe that awareness is the only step preventing me from caring for self or not.

Stop striving for good enough, you’re better than that…

“It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.”

What does it take to know you’re good enough?  Is it power, inner strength, determination or resilience?  Is it something you have to be told or was someone able to instil in you, the belief that you count, that you matter and that you are more than good enough?  Sometimes it only takes one person to tell you that you are special.  For some, it’s an entire village filled with caring and considerate people that show them, good-enough is something each of us deserve.  But, sadly for some, it’s no one.

Growing up I had a hunch that I had something to prove.  I lived under a veil of expectations that failure was likely.  My intention was never to be the best, I just wanted to succeed.  I believed that if I could prove everyone else wrong about their assumptions of me, then and only then would I feel like I was worth something.  When I think back and recall the 12-year-old version of myself, I wish there were things she knew about herself.  I also wish that the building blocks of her foundation of self never included doubt from others; that she then internalized into her own version of self-doubt.  If given the opportunity, I would tell her that despite the struggles and pain she might face, she has the ability to see the opportunity in every experience.  I would share with her the reality that her determination will eventually pay off.  I would show her, despite her disbelief, how beautiful she is, and I would tell her that within her she has the power to instil in others, the belief that they matter.

As an adult, I have seen sadness in the hearts and minds of many.  In my job I work with homeless men.  Some of them are consumed by mental illness or addiction and too many others are lost in the despair of their depression.  They often struggle with the baggage of self-doubt and a belief that things likely won’t get better.   And if by some chance something good does happen they believe they don’t deserve the opportunity.   But despite the doubt, I believe and so do many of my coworkers.  As a result, opportunities arise and the men once plagued with loss and despair grow and begin to believe; believe that the world isn’t so bad and that they deserve the second chances. 

I have also had the opportunity to see the beauty that exists alongside the sadness, as some of the newest children of the world are being raised to believe in themselves.  These children are not just told that they are beautiful and deserve to be cared for.  More importantly, they are shown how much they matter.  Some little girls get flowers after a big event, as a little surprise or for no reason at all.  And some little boys are cuddled as their mom wipes away the tears caused by a recent fall.  My hope is that all the little girls and boys of the future never wonder if they will ever be pretty enough or smart enough and that they never question if and when they will ever be good enough…

Creation of Self for Self

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

In creating self and building relationships I was misled by the belief that another person could fill the voids left by my need for belonging; belonging to something, to someone.  I thought that unconditional love by another would be the way in which to meet all of my needs. 

But building a partnership with another person isn’t about filling a void.  Not until my foundation of self was built up beyond a level of giving myself to others could I become part of it, part of anything.  Being in love or building a life with someone else really only happens once you have created the ability in your own foundation of self to meet your own needs.  I had spent much of my life in search of some person, to fill in the parts of self that could make me whole.   

It’s crazy to think that someone who had such difficulty trusting others would put herself in a position to have her needs met by someone else.  The reality of it is, perhaps on some level I knew that it wasn’t possible.  Instead, I lost myself in others.  But once I became aware of my need to belong, to be loved by someone else, I realised I had to do things for myself first. Only then I could start building up the parts of my foundation that could connect or become part of another person’s foundation.  The trouble was this took years for me to understand. Historically, I had sought refuge in relationship after relationship, but I was still lost and too much of my sense of self was still empty. 

It is easy to imagine that building up the foundation of another person, has the power to limit and compromise the integrity of one’s own foundation.  But it has a way of tricking you into believing that it feels good to be taken care of by someone else, even if it means your needs are not your own.

 In contrast, by building up my own foundation of self I was able to gain the understanding and necessary awareness of where I begin and where I might begin to become part of something else, part of someone else’s life – a partnership.  Once I realised that my search for love and happiness outside of self was unattainable I began the difficult journey of searching and creating those blocks within my own foundation.

I now had the understanding that the failure of maintaining my own foundation had compromised my own sense of self.  Never again would I find myself at the end of anything without a map of finding love and happiness within my own heart and soul.

Saying goodbye...

"Sometimes saying goodbye is giving yourself permission to move away from the self people think you are to the person you believe yourself to be."

            Rarely do you ever cross my mind.  It took a long time to let you go…As a child I wished and prayed for you often.  I wanted to see your face and to hear your voice.  I begged God to make you present in my life.  Finally, he succumbed to my wanting desire and you were there the day I came to meet you.  When I walked into the room I didn’t know which face was yours.  I had no recollection of you; all those memories had been washed away by the hands of my mind.

             But, there you were looking nothing like me.  I was scared.  I had so much to say, so much to ask.  I didn’t know which to do first.  So, I didn’t speak, but I opened myself up and absorbed every detail of that day.

            We began to spend more and more time together but I was still so far from knowing you.  So many years had passed, maybe too many.  Instead of being someone I didn’t know, you became someone I still didn’t know.  Life didn’t change much after you presented yourself to me.  In fact you replaced no one as I expected you might.  Instead you became the upset part of my life.  You left me feeling more lost than before I met you.

            One day I woke up and realized that I didn’t need you.  All the people I loved and those who loved me were still around and doing a better job than you ever tried to.  It saddens me to say this, but it is my truth.  My life functions well without you.  You are not the missing link I was looking for; it was here beside me all along.

           Perhaps if you had made different choices I wouldn’t have to say this, but that is not the case…Goodbye

This piece above I wrote in 2001 several years after ending visitation with my birth mother.

Growing up without the reality of a parent altered the person I became.  The care givers in my life were persons in the business of providing temporary care to children; foster parents.  But for one reason or another Michelle and I were raised for 17 years by temporary parents.  I know not what it means to have a mother or a father.  I do know what it feels like as a child in grade five trying to explain to her teacher why she can’t complete her family tree assignment.  I know what it feels like to be bullied and tormented because of the setting in which I was raised.  I don’t know what it’s like to call home mid-semester in first year of university to ask for $50 for groceries.  Sadly, I know that I am not alone in my experience.

When a child reaches a certain age, he/she/they begin preparing themselves for their understanding of self.  This journey is often travelled through asking a series of questions.  Where did I come from?  Where do I want to go?  Who am I?   I never expected the journey to be easy, but I also never imagined that at the age of 30, some of those questions would still not be answered.  They might never be answered and that reality became part of my foundation of self.  It enabled me to permit myself to become without a definitive history of who I was. 

It doesn’t matter if I am Scottish or Irish.  It doesn’t matter if my birth parents loved me or not.  It does matter that I am here, that I didn’t just survive but that I was resilient.  It matters that despite the sadness that has found its way into my life; I can see beyond it and be confident that it doesn’t define me.  It matters that I care about my needs and the needs of others in a way that embodies love and empathy. I have learned that we are not creations of the past defined by others.  Instead we are an evolution of a being that is always becoming.