Awareness of self comes with age

 “Growing up isn’t about getting older, it’s about becoming someone.”

Last year at this time I was nearing my thirtieth birthday and was dreading it.   I kept thinking that despite the experiences I have had in my life I didn’t feel like I was thirty, and really, I didn’t want to be.  I guess it felt like this was the point of no return.  I would no longer be considered a young adult and the likelihood of being mistaken for a twenty-something would become rare.  So, on my thirtieth I announced that I was in fact turning twenty-five forever. 

But, now as the end of my thirtieth year approaches the desire to be twenty-five again is disappearing and being replaced with the honest-to-goodness reality, that I am no longer a young woman.  I am an adult, a beautiful woman who not only appreciates my experience but also the years I have lived on this earth.  I am learning to embrace the emerging grey hairs and the reality that as I age my body will change.  I am more grounded and self-aware than I ever could have been at twenty or twenty-five.  In my thirties I have learned about what I need to take care of myself and that it’s ok to take a break from my own expectations.  I have learned that love really is central to everything and so is healthy communication for that matter.  I have realised that having a spotless house doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  And no matter how hard I try to create change in someone else, the only change I really have power with is myself.  I have learned that the world is filled with both good and bad and in both instances I have an amazing group of friends, so close they are family to share it with.  The most refreshing thing learned in my thirties is to let go and just be, truly in the moment.

 I am still not exactly sure what I feared or dreaded when my biological clock flipped to thirty.  I imagine the dread might have had to do with thirty being the year I had previously created deadlines for myself.  At a much younger age, I had imagined myself to be married with children by the time I was thirty.  Now, as my life continues to move forward and I become another year older.  My hopes of marriage and baby haven’t disappeared in fact those hopes have evolved.  Now, I may not have a ring on my left ring finger or a baby at my breast.   But I have become a self who will succeed in both of those instances, more so than I imagine I might have at twenty or thirty.  So, turning thirty wasn’t so bad and turning thirty-one will be pretty great too as I continue to learn and grow into the beautiful woman who doesn’t just age but evolves year after year.