Awareness of self comes with age

 “Growing up isn’t about getting older, it’s about becoming someone.”

Last year at this time I was nearing my thirtieth birthday and was dreading it.   I kept thinking that despite the experiences I have had in my life I didn’t feel like I was thirty, and really, I didn’t want to be.  I guess it felt like this was the point of no return.  I would no longer be considered a young adult and the likelihood of being mistaken for a twenty-something would become rare.  So, on my thirtieth I announced that I was in fact turning twenty-five forever. 

But, now as the end of my thirtieth year approaches the desire to be twenty-five again is disappearing and being replaced with the honest-to-goodness reality, that I am no longer a young woman.  I am an adult, a beautiful woman who not only appreciates my experience but also the years I have lived on this earth.  I am learning to embrace the emerging grey hairs and the reality that as I age my body will change.  I am more grounded and self-aware than I ever could have been at twenty or twenty-five.  In my thirties I have learned about what I need to take care of myself and that it’s ok to take a break from my own expectations.  I have learned that love really is central to everything and so is healthy communication for that matter.  I have realised that having a spotless house doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  And no matter how hard I try to create change in someone else, the only change I really have power with is myself.  I have learned that the world is filled with both good and bad and in both instances I have an amazing group of friends, so close they are family to share it with.  The most refreshing thing learned in my thirties is to let go and just be, truly in the moment.

 I am still not exactly sure what I feared or dreaded when my biological clock flipped to thirty.  I imagine the dread might have had to do with thirty being the year I had previously created deadlines for myself.  At a much younger age, I had imagined myself to be married with children by the time I was thirty.  Now, as my life continues to move forward and I become another year older.  My hopes of marriage and baby haven’t disappeared in fact those hopes have evolved.  Now, I may not have a ring on my left ring finger or a baby at my breast.   But I have become a self who will succeed in both of those instances, more so than I imagine I might have at twenty or thirty.  So, turning thirty wasn’t so bad and turning thirty-one will be pretty great too as I continue to learn and grow into the beautiful woman who doesn’t just age but evolves year after year.

The Foundation of Family

"Wherever there is lasting love, there is a family."

Family isn’t just about who’s related and who isn’t.   Family is about love, support and acceptance.  It’s about taking care of one another and being strong when times are tough. Family is the foundation of our lives.  It is what we are born into and it is also what we create.  Family is there for the good and bad times, the struggles and the triumphs.  At the end of the day, family is often there when everything else falls away.

At various points in my life I have redefined my version of family which as a result has deepened the roots and overall integrity of my foundation.  For me, family is a multi-dimensional system, mainly one in which I have created.  Despite the lack or perhaps because of my limited birth family I have placed a great deal of importance on family.  I believe that as I have grown and matured my understanding of family flourished into a beautiful web of care and love grown out of intimate moments and friendship.   In the past year when John was sick our world shifted and I was lost.  But luckily with my family I was found.  And for that I am forever grateful.  Their strength, persistence and support not only helped our little family but it allowed me to evolve as an individual.  In the moments when I could ask for help they were there and more importantly, in the moments when the words to describe my needs couldn’t pass my lips they were there just the same.  Johns Mom, Dad and Step-mom were amazing as they were there in the moments of crisis and made our house not seem so big and empty while John stayed at the hospital for weeks.  Our neighbors walked and fed our dog, plowed our driveway and cut our lawn.  John’s coworkers sent flowers, movies and magazines to help us pass the time.  My work also sent flowers and a wonderful care package filled with all things necessary and useful while in hospital.  They also provided a great amount of food, which was very important for me at the beginning.   There were many friends who called, wrote and send positive thoughts our way.  Some friends came to visit after we had left the hospital and some brought us groceries for months.  In those months when life was a little too much and a bit overwhelming all of the important people who care were there and that is the true definition of family.

Be-coming a Mother...

“She was all the things I wasn't. And I was all the things she wasn't.  Her hand, it fit mine.” – Jodi Picoult

I don’t currently have children, but one day I will.  In fact, I have never imagined a future where children don’t exist.  Being a mom isn’t something I aspire to be; it is something I am becoming.   When most little girls were pretending to play house with dolls, I was mothering my younger twin sister.

I cannot describe what it feels like to be held in a loving mother’s arms, but I hope at one point in my life I was and that I felt love.  I do know how it feels to reach out and grasp a small hand just like mine and to hear the little whispered I love you in our darkened bedroom.  The sad and wonderful thing is that as I grew, my understanding of love came only from the connection that was between just two little girls.  It’s hard to imagine, but I have no memories of any of those moments where I was held and loved by a parent.  While I had caregivers and people who loved me, I have no idea what it means to have a mom and/or a dad.  I never had the opportunity to crawl into my parent’s bed to be comforted during a storm, or snuggled after a scary dream.   So instead of building a relationship with non-existent parents, the connection between Michelle and I grew with each moment shared by holding hands and loving each other unconditionally.

In my attempt to create a world for future children, I have one purpose; to ensure that no child that ever enters our lives will question or doubt that they are loved.  So, with that purpose I have learned to communicate and fight fairly, so that children will see that despite becoming upset with one another, John and I still love each other; I have learned to take care of myself by making time for things that I enjoy; I have learned to appreciate and understand the strengths of the man standing next to me and most recently I have begun learning to let go, something I imagine every parent needs to do.

When John and I started looking to buy a house I was picturing our children in it.  In fact, one house we looked at numerous times before finally putting in an offer had almost everything on our wish-list.  But, I remember saying to John each time we looked at it that I was worried about the location of the stairs as I could see our children chasing each other or the dog and the thought of them falling frightened me.  While John may have told me not to worry about children we didn’t have yet, he was imagining himself and a son or two kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard.  Because the positioning of the stairs could be fixed and the yard was determined big enough to play soccer, we bought the house.

And one day this house will be filled with a child or two.  Children that we will love, cuddle and whisper I love you in the dark and in those moments we will create for them memories of pure unconditional love.