What builds a relationship?

"We all want to believe that love is this magical thing that fixes our problems and makes things perfect.  We look for the love that we see in the movies and fall for Hollywood's lies.  But the truth is, love will never be like that.  Love is something you have to work at and fight for.  It's not always pretty and it's definitely not magic, because even love cannot keep two people together if they don't try."  - Unknown

In the past few months I have had similar conversations with a couple of my dearest friends about what it takes to be in a relationship.  So, what does it take?  So often we talk about what we need from the other person; honesty, trustworthiness, respect and love.  We usually want someone to listen or to help us with our problems and of course they should to know which one to do depending on the situation.

But is that really it or realistic?  I think having a relationship requires more.  More from me.  More from you.  If I am really committed to building up and maintaining my foundation of self I am going to have to work hard at the relationships in my life. (Check out an earlier blog where I explain what I mean by foundation of self - http://foundationofself.blogspot.ca/2012/02/what-creates-foundation.html )

Relationships demand more, they don’t simply just happen.  Relationships require a lot of work, from all parties involved.  I am no expert, but I am beginning to learn that an honest to goodness relationship, with ourselves; with our husband, wife, friend, boss, co-worker, and our children calls on a commitment to deal with our crap.  All that stuff we have been carrying around since forever.  You know what stuff I mean.  That bag you often keep hidden.  For some of us it’s big and some of us it’s small, even so it’s heavy.

All of our relationships – the ones that really matter should be a place where we feel safe and comfortable so that we might unpack some of that stuff and let that other person see it.  We should be able to share how carrying all that crap makes us feel each and every day.  We need to share how hard it was to see or hear or believe, so then we can put it to rest in the storage of our hearts, minds and our memories.

Imagine your life; if this was the way you lived; surrounding yourself with relationships that allowed you to be honest, how much lighter would your load be?

Even though we think we have sorted through all of our crap and figured how to neatly pack it away, rather than lug it around all day, it’s never really gone.  In life, things happen that often require us to unpack, reorganize, sort and sometimes purge the stuff we had already thought we dealt with.

So, in those moments that shake you to your core, moments of change and uncertainty; allow yourself the time to process your thoughts and feelings.  You are not weak.  Permit yourself to be strong.  Be brave, share the messiness with someone you love, who cares about you.  Build up your foundation!

Sometimes the reasons to do something become the reasons we don't do something...

Ohana means family.  Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. – Lilo & Stitch

In March of this year I was married – to a very special man; a man whom I have been deeply in love with for well over a decade.  Our marriage for me became a permanent structure in my foundation of family.  Our commitment to one another and our relationship laid the groundwork for other aspects of our lives and for our future.

I looked forward to many parts of our marriage.  I had yearned for the day when I could say “my husband” for the sole purpose of saying those words.  But more than that, I couldn’t wait to change my last name.  This common action after marriage was something I had thought about at great length.  As much as I am proud of the strong, independent and caring person I had become under my birth name I was ready to let it go.  I had no interest in carrying on a family name that had not met my definition of family.  So, I set to apply to change my name as soon as it was possible after our wedding.

Then I researched my options. Many, who marry choose to assume the last name of their spouse or to hyphenate their own last name with that of their spouse.  But there was another option.  I could legally change my name.  This is what I thought I wanted to do.  But I learned that it meant I would alter the name on my birth certificate.  I would alter the record of my birth.  This is where things didn’t seem to fit any longer.   As much as I didn’t feel the desire to carry on this family name I didn’t want to erase it either.  I was born a twin and that was enough for me to keep even a small tie to my birth name. 

John and I are family.  Michelle and I are family.  We are a family together; sitting side-by-side in my own foundation of family.  So while my new last name will reflect the special bond John and I share, my unaltered birth certificate will continue to reflect the special bond between myself and my beautiful twin sister, who all alone for many years defined the meaning of family.

Self-acceptance - A building block in the foundation of self.

"For once, you believed in yourself.  You believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world." - Sarah Dessen

I have written a number of blogs about the foundation of self.  In my journey of self-exploration and the appraisal of my own self-doubt I have learned a great deal about myself as well as the things that keep us stuck; Stuck in the moments that make us sad, fight for control or leave us feeling lost and alone.  Building my foundation of self has been about grounding myself in the belief that I have the ultimate power to be happy or sad, healthy or sick, to be in control or to live with purpose; despite all that surrounds me. 

Because of that personal power, I know that I am not a structure that stands alone.  My life became a neighborhood, streets lined with buildings and foundations.  Some stand strong and tall, others have burned to the ground while others are replacing bits and pieces of their own foundation.  Through my exploring and developing my foundation of self, I realized that I play a role in the structures that buy up the real estate in my life. 

I may not always have the power or control around who comes into my life – but I do have the power to decide how much a part of my life they become.  One of the greatest examples of harnessing this internal power is my commitment to self-acceptance.  In doing so it meant giving up the beliefs and the focus on how others might judge me.  Can you imagine your life when you don’t worry about what other people think?  It was exhilarating to be making decisions based on what I truly wanted. 

Once I started living from a place for me, designed by me.  I started to realise that the power and level of importance I had put on what others might think was allowing unhealthy people to move into my neighborhood and influence my life even more.

So taking a walk through my neighborhood allowed me the opportunity to see the beauty and potential of the structures that currently existed there.  As my intention shifted to a place of self-acceptance from my previous critical self, the landscaping and curb appeal of my neighborhood also changed.  It began to boast beauty, strength and resilience.

Consider the world you have created for yourself, street by street.  Life on the side of the fence that boasts self-acceptance is a place where self-love flourishes.

And I thought I loved you then

About a week before the date of our wedding, I was in the car driving to work and this song came on the radio. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AtaZ_NU_tU )  It was one I had only heard a few times, never before John brought it to my attention in the weeks leading up to our wedding.  The moment I heard the song and listened to the lyrics it brought tears to my eyes.  Needless to say that sunny morning I found myself bawling on my way to work.  I was picturing myself walking down the aisle toward a man who time and time again has told me how much he loves me.

The next week on a sunny afternoon John and I heard this song together along with 65 of the most special people in our lives.

“I remember trying not to stare the night that I first met you…I hadn’t told you yet, I thought I loved you then.  Now you’re my whole life…We’ve come so far since that day and I thought I loved you then…”

This song spoke about our love in volumes.  It described a love that grew over time; a love that existed almost immediately and surpassed its own expectations time and time again.

On a fall day in September of 2000 John and I met and that day I had a feeling we would share something very special.  Our lives took many turns, and beyond each bend we looked back and saw the moments in which our love flourished.  I am not saying our journey was perfect.  There were times that were not just difficult they were down-right HARD.

So nearly 13 years later on March 16, 2013 John and I shared our vows to each other amidst the love of friends and family.   These words are the lyrics of our own love story.

I promise to support you and to encourage you.

I promise to fight with you but to never walk away.

I love that you want to change the world for the better one day at a time.

I promise to put us first always.

I will tell you that I love you each day.

I vow to take risks with you and never settle for less than we deserve.

These vows were promises we made to each other promises that said to each other that I (we) will do what we need to do to ensure that when we look back we will say “I thought I loved you then”.

First comes love...then comes marriage

In a week, my life will change.  I have heard of others who move from sharing a significant relationship to marriage, say nothing changes.  I don’t believe that will be the case for us. 

Marriage for myself and my soon-to-be-husband, isn’t just about a piece of paper, it’s a commitment that embodies where we have been alone, together and where we are going.  It values the work we have done to create and encourage a relationship that believes love doesn’t come easy and that marriage is about hard work.

Throughout the span of twelve years we have learned what it takes to make a commitment like marriage work.  In, the beginning we had no idea.  Now we know.  We know that it’s hard.  We know that it is worth it.  We know that a partnership like a marriage doesn’t mean everything is 50-50; Sometimes its 100-100, 90-10, 70-30.  We know that bad things happen, that there is often struggle.  But there is also great joy, love and trust that develop exponentially out of those moments and many others.  We know what it feels like to have someone to believe in your dreams and more importantly, to support you through them.

So, in a week my husband-to-be and I will celebrate the beginning of our marriage with a ceremony that reflects our lives, our belief in each other and the promise of tomorrow.  This special day will be shared with persons with whom we share our lives, the good times and the bad times.
The specialness of our marriage will not dissipate as the celebration ends.  It will continue to add sparkle to the special moments, strength in our times of need, and love always.

A baby without a birth story

“Sometimes the story that is written is done so by no one other than you.”

Almost everyone one you know can retell a story about their birth, or a moment that occurred shortly thereafter.  Of course these individuals have no true recollection of that memory, but it has been etched into their mind as a result of hearing the story time and time again. 

At the age of twelve, eighteen, twenty-five and twenty-seven, I asked about the details of my story.  But the answers never came.  Of course I have a birth story, but I have never heard it.  I don’t know what it was like for my birth mother to carry not one, but two 7lb babies to term.  I don’t know how the day of our birth began or who was there by her side.  All I know is that I was born first of a set of twins, with Michelle arriving shortly after my entrance into the world.

The story I really wanted to hear was what led me into a life of foster-care and crown-wardship.  Each time I asked all I ever heard was silence.  The closest I ever came to an answer was at the age of twenty-seven.  This time I was in pursuit of answers and  I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way.  I was very specific this time around.  I asked to see the documents related to the court proceedings that led the decision of my becoming a crown-ward at four years old. 

At that time I had been in contact with a half-brother (whom I have never met) via Facebook.  That Facebook connection led me in the direction of my birth father.  I attempted to get information about my beginning from him, but again those attempts failed.  Despite my insistence and determination I stood again in the moment of not-knowing. Access into my own story, was once again denied.

So, amidst my numerous attempts at becoming informed of my circumstances early in life, I took on the responsibility of creating my own story.  That story does not begin at the moment of my birth, nor the nine months previous, or the years earlier when my birth parents met and their life together began. 

I realise that I may never get the answers that I want, nor will I get the answers that I deserve.  But, I am still deeply rooted in my foundation of self because despite what isn’t there, what will never be there I am still someone.  I was never a daughter.  But I am a sister.  I will be a wife and one day I will be a mother.

 

One Day

A message to the little girl who doubts herself, the woman who demands more of herself and one day – the woman who believes in herself.

One day, you will see the beauty that I see when I look into your eyes.  You are already getting so close.  One day you will overpower the doubt that has set up camp inside your head.  One day you will live, love and feel and be utterly transformed.  One day you will find yourself without the hurt and shame.  You will have worked through the stuff that keeps you stuck and let go of all the crap you’ve forced yourself to carry, which belongs to someone else.  One day you will live in the world you created, it will be caring and just and wonderful.  That world will also be scary and unknown, but every moment will be worth it.  One day you will stand up for your rights and believe that you deserve the very best.  One day you will allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love.  One day you will finally trust yourself enough to put your need in the hands of another person and they will take care of your heart.   In time you will share your story and your strength will be admired.  Today, you will continue to take steps toward one day.  Know that you were loved, are loved, and most certainly will be loved.